Thursday, March 18, 2010

I already bought a hooded sweatshirt with your college’s name on it and told everyone I got in.

“It has been my dream to attend your university since age five.”

“Last year my father contributed $5,000 to your general endowment fund.”

“I can fit my fist into my mouth.”

“I’m easy.”

“My therapist says I can have supervised visits with my family in two to three months.”

“I am generally liked and well respected by my teachers and classmates.”

“The judge says he might reduce my sentence to time served.”

“Man, I got so high last night.”

“Essays suck.”

“My father is the dictator of a small African nation.”

“If you don’t grant me admission I will kill myself.”

“I deserve to get in.”

“My father, my father’s father, and my father’s father’s father are alumna of your distinguished institution.”

“I’m hot.”

“I spent thousands of dollars on private test preparation and college counseling.”

“I love your school colors.”

College campuses would be much safer places if students were allowed to carry guns.

“Your football team rocks.”

“I love to learn and stuff.”

“I hand-delivered my college application.”

“My last name rhymes with Bush.”

“Last summer, at band camp.”

“I visited your campus—twice.”

“I’m always the first to raise my hand.”

“College campuses would be much safer places if students were allowed to carry guns.”

“There I was, the only fat kid in gym.”

“God wants me to go to your college.”

“I’ve been a repeat contestant on American Idol.”

“I already bought a hooded sweatshirt with your college’s name on it and told everyone I got in.”

“When I’m not saving orphans in Nepal, I’m finding a cure for cancer.”

“You know you’ll accept me because you need underachievers like me to feel good about yourself.”

Dan Moreau has been published in McSweeney’s Internet Tendency, William and Mary Review, and Red Cedar Review.
Wednesday, March 17, 2010


C

HARLES BUKOWSKI, the “Poet Laureate of Skid Row” had humble beginnings. He was born Charles Brown, aka Charlie. His parents were somewhat cold and distant. They talked in odd muted trumpet-like voices that were unintelligible to almost everyone. As a young adult, in an effort to put his conflictual relationship with his parents behind him, he changed his last name to Bukowski.

Good Grief.

The trajectory of Charlie Bukowski’s life from being a melancholy pessimistic boy to alcoholic, whore-loving misanthrope can be said to start with his friendship with Bobby “Pigpen” Jones. Charlie first met Pigpen while lying flat on his back after a football “mishap.” Pigpen was a dirty, ostracized young boy. And while many may have seen Charlie’s other childhood friend, Linus Fitzgerald, as a great influence in his early life, it would be Pigpen that Charlie referred to in an interview when he stated: “He helped me get off my back that day with a dusty hand. And the grit of that dust was etched forever into my flesh.” Pigpen would come to represent an almost zenlike, careless disregard to anything wholesome and clean which Charlie came to emulate.

Clearly, though, one of the main themes in Charlie Bukowski’s life was his conflictual relationship with women. He was married several times. But once his writing career began to gain some traction, he took to one night stands and love affairs. Charlie detailed many of these trysts in his book Women: Always Leaving Me Flat on My Back. More than one biographer has drawn a rather clear line through all the females that Charlie took up with. That line begins with the Little Red-Haired Girl, an elusive femme fatale who plagued Charlie’s listless and insulated childhood. He drew up a near-obsessive focus on this young woman who “never once noticed even the single greasy strand of hair on my prematurely balding head.” This line ends with Pamela O’Brien (aka “Cupcakes” due to her buxom nature) a redheaded single mother. Charlie tried to recreate this fantasy woman in every relationship right up to Cupcakes. When Cupcakes painfully left him for Linus Fitzgerald, Charlie “swore off of f***** red heads for the rest of my life.”

Noted literature critic, Michael McCall, after culling through all sixty of Charlie’s published books, also notes the reoccurring theme of footballs (and especially their connection to devious women) in Charlie’s writing. Footballs show up through-out the poetry collections: Dangling in Midair Before Falling, Slouching Toward the End Zone and Pigskin Ballet. Maybe more so than the Little Red-Haired Girl did a girl named Lucy (thought to be a pseudonym) seem to affect Charlie’s life. The image of this girl, in particular, snatching away the infamous footballs (perhaps a metaphor for sobriety) reoccurs numerous times throughout his work. Lucy also showed up as a figure in the dreamlike short story “The Devil Is Lucy,” in which she tries to counsel a morose young boy in a pretend game of psychologist. Her final refrain: “You are a loser, Charlie Brown” could easily have been a summation of this man’s life. This theme, however, becomes most obvious in the epitaph on his tombstone. Below the phrase “Don’t Try” is the inscription, “Here I lie flat on my back, staring skyward, just as I did so many times when the football was taken away. I think I’ll just stay put now.”

Russell Bradbury-Carlin gave up his corporeal existence long ago. He now exists only as a series of bytes and electrical impulses distributed through out the internet. You can visit aspects of him (the humorous parts, anyway) here at Yankee Pot Roast and at McSweeney’s, Science Creative Quarterly, The Big Jewel , as well as other sites. But if you are interested in visiting with him in his most condensed form, check out his Web site, All My Shoes and Glasses. Please note: if you visit his site between the hours of 11 p.m. and 7 a.m., please be quiet—that is when he sleeps.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010

New litter of 6 chocolate labs for sale. I love them dearly, but a single woman can’t handle them all. They’re good-natured, playful and beautiful beyond belief. Just come see them at 22 Larchmont Drive. Take a left after the Thai restaurant and go up the hill. Larchmont is the first right, and we’re the fourth house on the left. I am a stripper.

* * *

Corgi puppies from award-winning breeders need a new home. Ever since we had dogs, we’ve never been burglarized and our kids haven’t been bullied. We haven’t had any major illnesses, haven’t been slandered in the press, and have avoided car accidents, shark attacks, any major repercussions from colony collapse disorder. We’ve cheated on our taxes without being caught. My job is secure, though I fire people with impunity. All we eat are Funyuns and are in perfect health. The guy down the street bought a cat, and he broke his hip. I’m pretty sure he’s a woman living inside a man’s body, too. 1515 Patcong Ave, behind the Price Chopper.

* * *

Friendly, mixed-breed puppies for sale. 3 months old. In that time, the owner, an experienced trainer, has taught them each the following:

— How to sit, stand, roll over and fetch.
— Basic obedience techniques and the ability to speak on command.
— Narcotics and bomb detection skills.
— Wedding planning.

9 Queensland Blvd, next to the Chuck E. Cheese.

* * *

Irish setter puppies for sale. $5 each. Pick one up and show your love now, because one day in the not-too-distant future, dogs will rule the world and fish will walk among us. Even now, dogs and fish sit on most corporate boards and have a permanent seat on the U.N. Security Council. I have proof. Take a right on 82 and go to the vacant lot across from the diaper factory.

* * *

Beautiful pure-bred puppies for sale. Friendly, loving and opposed to cultural relativism. Puppies understand that identity and cross-cultural understanding are not oppositional forces, and are developing their own meta-language to overcome distortions and make valid connections across all breeds. They will soon be publishing extensively. $27 each. In front of the Hopewell Jct. Grand Union.

* * *

Super-cute puppies 4 sale! I am severely disabled and the puppies think I am food. Please come quickly.

* * *

For sale: puppy. You can’t tell by this photo, but this puppy looks EXACTLY like Denzel Washington. Want to cut in line at BJ’s? No problem, Denzel can make it happen. Need an extra towel at the Y? They’ll give 3 to Denzel! And no more waiting in line at Chili’s, ’cause Denzel don’t wait for no nachos. 34 Nipmuck Drive.

* * *

4 puppies, a bottle of schnapps, me, and a cellphone. In the alley behind Club Eruptions.

Ken Saji is a writer living in New York City with his wife and two kids. He has an M.F.A. from Columbia University and has been published online at McSweeney’s. He doesn’t own pets because he feels their accomplishments will overshadow his.
Monday, March 15, 2010

(And My Results)

Which TV Talk-Show Host Would You Blackmail?

1. Which TV Talk-Show Host Would You Blackmail?
(My result: Jay Leno.)

Which Celebrity’s Stalker Is Most Like You?

2. Which Celebrity’s Stalker Is Most Like You?
(My result: Mariah Carey’s stalker.)

Which Member of the 1937 Brooklyn Dodgers Are You?

3. Which Member of the 1937 Brooklyn Dodgers Are You?
(My result: Heinie Manush.)

Which Teenage Vampire Would You Support for U.S. Senator?

4. Which Teenage Vampire Would You Support for U.S. Senator?
(My result: Bella from Twilight.)

How Well Do You Know Grover Cleveland?

5. How Well Do You Know Grover Cleveland?
(My result: not nearly well enough.)

Which Russian Mail-Order Bride Will You Marry?

6. Which Russian Mail-Order Bride Will You Marry?
(My result: Svetlana, blonde, 25, from Chukokta Autonomous Okrug.)

Which Terrorist Are You?

7. Which Terrorist Are You?
(My result: tie, Timothy McVeigh and Abu Ayyub al-Masri.)

Which Lying Rightwing Pundit Pushes Your Buttons the Most?

8. Which Lying Rightwing Pundit Pushes Your Buttons the Most?
(My result: Ann Coulter.)

Which Mad Men Character Would Win Your Fantasy Football League?

9. Which Mad Men Character Would Win Your Fantasy Football League?
(My result: Ken Cosgrove.)

Which Federal Prison Will You End Up In?

10. Which Federal Prison Will You End Up In?
(My result: Leavenworth.)

If I Were a Carpenter, and You Were a Lady, Would You Marry Me Anyway?

11. If I Were a Carpenter, and You Were a Lady, Would You Marry Me Anyway?
(My result: Not likely.)

How Well Do You Know That Creepy Guy from Work?

12. How Well Do You Know That Creepy Guy from Work?
(My result: You are that creepy guy from work.)

Dan Davis is kind of quiet, doesn’t say much, kind of keeps to himself. He spends most of his time staring at glowing rectangles, and also a bit of time making wiseacre comments about sports at SportsOfBoston.com, alerting people to the local rock ‘n’ roll events at Examiner.com, and posting allegedly interesting links to A Series of Tubes. In the olden days, he wrote a few things for Yankee Pot Roast, and in the even more olden days, a couple for McSweeneys.net.
Fiction
Rejected Pitchfork Reviews David Mamet on Death Cab for Cutie’s Transatlanticism; Shel Silverstein on Kanye West; Ernest Hemingway on Radiohead’s Kid A; and more.
Fiction
Pitchfork Reviews Albums That Don't Exist Straight up: this album would be one of the more impressive debuts of 2010 if it was or ever had been created by a band that was at some point formed.
Fiction
If Pitchfork.com Reviewed A Pitchfork If you're looking for faults, start with the handle. Sparks literally fly with such immediacy at the mere touch of the fiberglass handle that one wonders if Radius Garden thinks Coulomb's Law is nothing more than a prime-time network procedural drama.
Listicles
Popular 80s Songs About Zombies (I Always Feel Like) Somebody's Eating Me
Five Underrated Songs Some underdog music that deserves your ears' attention, courtesy the excellent Ms. Kittenpants.
Listicles
Wit of Winston "Cheap and nasty," said Churchill, "How I like my whores."
Fiction
Liberals are Ruining the World of Warcraft I’m Glenn Beck, the voice of the Real Azeroth. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I want to talk about the Lich King.
Fiction
The Toyota Tirades Nowhere in, on, or near the Prius does there appear to be an Obama bumper sticker. Did you forget it? You didn’t forget the voice-activated navigation system.
Listicles
Ways in Which Sarah Palin Will Spin Massive Amounts of Snow to Mock Global Warming Dontcha know it got cold when God heard we were worried ’bout the weather gettin' warmer!
Fiction
Now That You've Found My "Creepy" Twilight Shrine: A Few Points for Rebuttal While I feel it was inappropriate of me to have Photoshopped Robert Pattinson over your face in the pictures on my desk, I was hurt that you failed to notice the quality and detail of the vector mask that I employed.


Fiction
"Puppies for Sale" Fliers That Really Work For sale: puppy. You can't tell by this photo, but this puppy looks EXACTLY like Denzel Washington.

Listicles
Least Popular Facebook Quizzes Which Teenage Vampire Would You Support for U.S. Senator? (My result: Bella from Twilight)

Ogden Nash for Pitchfork Feeling sick on Bedford Street? / Try nerd guitar with a Williamsburg beat!

Fiction
Rejected Pitchfork Reviews David Mamet on Death Cab for Cutie’s Transatlanticism; Shel Silverstein on Kanye West; Ernest Hemingway on Radiohead’s Kid A; and more.

Fiction
Pitchfork Reviews Albums That Don't Exist Straight up: this album would be one of the more impressive debuts of 2010 if it was or ever had been created by a band that was at some point formed.

Fiction
If Pitchfork.com Reviewed A Pitchfork If you're looking for faults, start with the handle. Sparks literally fly with such immediacy at the mere touch of the fiberglass handle that one wonders if Radius Garden thinks Coulomb's Law is nothing more than a prime-time network procedural drama.

Listicles
Popular 80s Songs About Zombies (I Always Feel Like) Somebody's Eating Me

Five Underrated Songs Some underdog music that deserves your ears' attention, courtesy the excellent Ms. Kittenpants.

Listicles
Wit of Winston "Cheap and nasty," said Churchill, "How I like my whores."

Fiction
Liberals are Ruining the World of Warcraft I’m Glenn Beck, the voice of the Real Azeroth. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I want to talk about the Lich King.

Fiction
The Toyota Tirades Nowhere in, on, or near the Prius does there appear to be an Obama bumper sticker. Did you forget it? You didn’t forget the voice-activated navigation system.

Listicles
Ways in Which Sarah Palin Will Spin Massive Amounts of Snow to Mock Global Warming Dontcha know it got cold when God heard we were worried ’bout the weather gettin' warmer!

Fiction
Now That You've Found My "Creepy" Twilight Shrine: A Few Points for Rebuttal While I feel it was inappropriate of me to have Photoshopped Robert Pattinson over your face in the pictures on my desk, I was hurt that you failed to notice the quality and detail of the vector mask that I employed.

Fiction
The Olympian I laughed when I realized that I was kind of drunk, because wouldn’t I choose the night before my big day to challenge a motorcycle gang to a drinking contest.

Fiction
Kanye the Cognoscente I'm really happy for you, I'mma let you finish.

Non-Fiction
Why the 1981 James Bond Movie For Your Eyes Only Is the Greatest Motion Picture Ever Made A biathlon that turns into a snow-skiing chase scene with motorcycles.

Listicles
Lesser-Known Rules of Fight Club We don't beat people in your bathroom; please don't pee in our basement.

Fiction
Exclusive Excerpt from James Cameron's Avatari The director's prequel will tell the film's early videogame-era back stories

Fiction
Erratic Services Seeking MILF interested in mutual funds - m4w - 21 (Atlanta)

Listicles
Personal Injury Lawyer Goes on a Date “Excuse me while I slip and fall into something more comfortable.”

Befriend Y.P.R. That's right, folks: your humble literary journal has canceled its MySpace, Friendster, and AOL chatroom accounts.

Listicles
Oft-Overlooked Winter Olympic Sports Bobsledding, skating, and skiing are all great, but don’t these other winter sports deserve just as much coverage?

The Catcher in the Rye: The Unauthorized German Translation Ja, so, dis is der story uf me, a young mensch who vanders arount New York mit dem red hat on mein kupf.

Fiction
The Real Housewives of New Jersey Book Club: Catcher In the Rye "This book was O.K. and everything but I’m kind of pissed off about something I read on the second page."

Hip-Hop Lit: New and Noteworthy Rapper 50 Cent will collaborate with a team of writers on a series of novels about life on the streets.

See Y'all in MMX Y.P.R. will return in 2010.

Black Friday Doorbuster Specials at the Dollar Store! Knockoff brand names at F.D.A.–rejected Chinese brand prices!

Tone Lōc’s "Where the Wild Thing Is" Grounded by my mom, sent to bed without dinner / So I float my boat in a sea of funky cold medina.

Hallowe'en Rehash My Rejected Submission to Cosmo's Halloween Issue, Entitled "How to Lose a Guy in One Spooky, Scary Night: Halloween Costumes for Those Wanting Out" and What Not to Give Trick-or-Treaters on Hallowe'en Night

Fiction
Tonight's Tasting Menu The flavor of the biscuit, infused with fennel and East European herbs, will be striking, perhaps even shocking, and may remind you of a moment of betrayal in your life. Additionally, it will cleanse your mouth.

Fiction
Aspects of Myself I am Not Going to Change in This Age of Excessive Plastic Surgery My breasts: Because I have already had them enlarged. Six times.

Listicles
Several Hotel Heiresses Less Glamorous Than Paris Hilton From Rio Omni to Amarillo Hojo

Fiction
"Squeeze Me into a Glass and Drink Me: My Tour of New York City Bars After Gourmet" by Ruth Reichl No more Daniel; no molto Mario; no mas tapas: what was I to do now?

So, What Is Not an International Zionist Plot? "So, What Is Not an International Zionist Plot?" by President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad of Iran

Fiction
Dancing with the Lone Star The opening notes of Strauss fill the auditorium. Famed professional dancer Cheryl Burke makes a spectacular entrance in a Marie Antoinette ball gown, flipping her ruffles to reveal provocative pantaloons. From across the stage former Majority Leader Tom DeLay emerges from the bowels of a V-2 rocket.

R.I.P., William Safire Remembering the conservative wordsmith.



 

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