Banded with Great Fanfare
I am Michael Madsen. You may know me as the Michael Madsen who writes books of poetry.
Submissions, in Their Entirety, to Zeptofiction: The Journal of Excruciatingly Short Fiction
Very short stories from Bret Easton Ellis, Chuck Palahniuk, Stephen King, Jackie Collins, and Terry Pratchett.
That Time When Time Was Different Than Normal
When a team of distinguished scientists approached me about time traveling to the year 1682, I was like, "I need to know what I'll be getting paid first." Then they said that there would be a small remuneration, and I thought that remuneration meant fortune, so I was like, "Sign me up!"
Book Treatment to Publishers A.S.A.P.!
I'm thinking of writing a book of party tips for throwing a great party. But then I said to myself, there are plenty of party-tips books out there. But what there aren't is, are any party tips books geared toward black people so here goes!
(Note to publisher: KEEP READING!)
"Yes on Proposition 8" Gets the Message Out
Some commercial scripts that provoke a response.
My Rejected Submission to Cosmo's Halloween Issue, Entitled "How to Lose a Guy in One Spooky, Scary Night: Halloween Costumes for Those Wanting Out"
The leaves are changing in color, the air is turning crisp and chilly, and you're finding that Jeff from Accounting has a newfound interest in you ever since you got side bangs and stopped eating croissants. All this can only mean one thing: it's time to kick your deadbeat boyfriend to the foliage-covered curb.
Magazine Inspiration, Written in Magazine Inspiration Form
Read a magazine. Do it. Read one magazine. Cover to cover. Throw it away.
Tom Friedman Explains a Bar Fight
In the post 9/11-world, there are what I call Plants and Animals. I was thinking about this as I ordered a drink from the bar.
The Serfitt & Cloye Gift Catalog
The supra-extraordinary gift items from
The Serfitt & Cloye Gift Catalog. Where opulence lives in luxury.
Economic Crisis Hits the Street--Sesame Street
Patrick Barb & Julia McCloy
I'm Guy Smiley and you're entering
The No Strings Zone. Is Sesame Street being devastated by America's economic crisis?
A Six-Year-Old with a Future in Elected Politics Tackles a Tough Question
My opponent and older brother, Tyler, in an effort to distract the parents of this household from the real issues--like the still unanswered questions regarding the whereabouts of Mom's scissors--has brought up the issue of my misguided urination adventures.
Big Deal! I Sold a Little Weed to Give My Kids a Better Future …
It’s either that, or you’re living unemployment check to unemployment check in a modest three-bedroom condo, downgrading to the
store-brand Oreo knock-offs, hardly going out to dinner at all except on weekends, birthdays, and holidays.
I'm Sad to Announce the Final Strip of Love Is ...
I'm screwing the lid on the India ink for the last time because there are, after today's panel, only 18 more ways to articulate what love is.
A Thorough Exegesis of the Opening Credits to Laverne & Shirley (The Wisconsin Years)
According to Wikipedia, a "
schlemiel" is a Yiddish word meaning "perpetual bungler" or "dolt." "
Schlimazel" is also Yiddish, meaning "an extremely unlucky or inept person; a habitual failure."
Four-Year Flashback: Closing Statements from the Castaways’ Presidential Debate
What with tonight's McCain/Obama tête-à-tête being possibly canceled due to inclement fiscal weather, our collective appetite for debate remains unsated. Please enjoy this debatable article, from the 2004 election, and recall that it doesn't matter who wins the argument; only who steals Ohio.
I Can't Wait for You to Meet My Panther
You may stumble on a few mason jars around the apartment filled with urine. Nothing to worry about. It’s mine. Just a little system I’ve developed to let my panther know whose territory is whose around here.
Welcome Back to the Official Message Board of Al-Qaeda
The Official Message Board of Al-Qaeda is once again up and running. Praise be to Allah, who in His infinite wisdom sought to repair the server. Also, many thanks to Shareef, the I.T. guy, who also had a hand in it.
Sometimes I Think about Eating You
And sometimes, depending on the severity of the hunger, I imagine not even cooking you.
Since When Is Rampant Incompetence a Valid Reason for Dismissal?
If borrowing the occasional AA battery from the occasional smoke alarm makes me "irresponsible" then you may as well just call me "
Mr. Irresponsible."
Remember the Children
Our once-beautiful airship, the
Frau Fenstermacher, is doomed, crippled by a combination of albatross collisions and sabotage. Captain Hofstadter is dead, impaled on his own cane-sword, taking with him the secret location of Isla de Pelucas Perdidos. We are losing altitude as I speak, and will soon plunge into the shark-infested waters of the Caribbean.
Johnny Macklin’s Persuasive Essay for English 101A
Once you hear my reasons for skipping out on Rose at the Channing Senior Center, you will agree with me that California’s law requiring college students to do community service is unnecessary and can be emotionally scaring.
I'd Like to Say a Few Words Before I Begin Drumming
Ever since I took up the drum more than a month ago, it has become my preferred--indeed, almost exclusive--form of self-expression.
Get Quit!
Hello? I know you're there; I can here you breathing (or should I say wheezing?).
But, Mooooom, I Was Photoshopped.
Because I love you, I am extraordinarily concerned about certain enhanced photos you saw while dabbling in the popular networking site, Facebook.
Let's Make a Baby
We should have sex and make a baby. After conducting multiple experiments, I am relatively convinced I have a lot of semen in my body.
Unpopular
Dear
Popular Mechanics, I've enjoyed the reader letters in your magazine since first sneaking a peek at your pages as a boy, but I never thought that one day I would be writing in with an unbelievable story of my own.
I Am Glad My Childhood Dreams Did Not Come True
I wanted to wear X-Ray Specs, use the Force, and be the Six-Million Dollar Man.
I Don’t Understand Why My Amateur Party-Motivating Service Is Losing Business
Sing it with me, people! Ain’t no party like a one-where-I-release-live-bees partaaay! Heyyy! Hoooo!!
Adventure on the Moors! A Brontë Choose Your Own Adventure
If you decide to follow Mr Heathcliff into the manor, turn to page 142.
Zack and Miri Make a Pruno
Seth Rogen and Elizabeth Banks discuss the challenges of making fruity swill for the prudish M.P.A.A.
The Dominatrix Decathlon
After months of speculation, and ongoing international protest, the Chinese Olympic Commissioner made official confirmation last week that the Dominatrix Decathlon will not be part of the 2008 Summer Olympics in Beijing.
What I'm Listening To
This classic rock anthem is still going strong 30+ years after its release, a fact made overly clear every mid- to late-afternoon when it's played by the A.O.R. station blaring from the boom box belonging to the roofing crew that's been (intermittently) working atop my house for the past 11 days.
Flavor of Law
I was sitting in my hot tub, flipping through the latest issue of
The Source, The Bible of Hip-Hop Music, Fashion and Jurisprudence, when my personal assistant Fai’sha said there was a Supreme Court justice on the line for me.
Karmic Rejection Letters
Thank you for giving us the opportunity to consider your subscription renewal notice. While it was deftly written—and the lowered rate somewhat fiscally compelling—we’re afraid your magazine just isn’t a right fit for our mailbox.
Single-Celled and Loving It
Men, you might want to put away your Petri dishes. Sexy superbug Muris Hepatozoon isn't looking to rapidly evolve to multicellular status anytime soon.
Pimposium: A Rediscovered Platonic Dialogue
Socrates: I suppose you know, that it's hard out here for a pimp?
Other Entities That Are Not Great, According to an Inebriated but Still Quite Formidable Christopher Hitchens
Frosted Flakes: The rabid frothing of their pathetic anthropomorphic tiger mascot notwithstanding, these "flakes" decompose in seconds into an insipid, over-sweet slurry.
Bush Feet Under
The Final Moments of the George W. Bush Administration
Full Disclosure
I'm sitting down with
New York Times reporter Adam Nagourney. (Disclosure: my communication with Mr. Nagourney consists of comments I've posted to his blog.)
Cormac McCarthy Sends in His Treatment of the Final Harry Potter Movie
Ron is too long and too tall for his robes and Ron is hungry because Ron is poor. Hermione studies.
Family Film Guide for the Week Beginning July 6, 2008
This week's guide to current cinematic releases and their appropriateness for children under the age of 17.
Congo: Land of Jungles
This nest of ordered chaos has inspired numberless works of literature, from
Heart of Darkness, to
Apocalypse Now, to
Predator II: The Book.
We Will Stop at Nothing to Acquire Your Swiffer Technology
A Proclamation from Three-Click-Pause-Two-Click, Fifth of Many
I’ve Decided to Start Acting More French
Exactly what this will entail is difficult to determine, particularly because I have never been to France.
Monster Island Welcomes You!
Monster Island boasts everything the world traveler expects from a premier vacation getaway, including a five-star restaurant, a full-service spa, and a first-class burn ward.
Wise Words of Wisdom
The true test of a man is how he reacts in the face of adversity. If you do not have any adversity handy, check the Adam's apple.
Stand and Evolve
At the end of this semester, you will all take the 1986 edition of the A.P. U.S. History exam, which is all we could recover from the rubble of the testing center in Trenton. And you will all pass.
Excerpts from Marijuana Magazine's Special Issues
The Top Docs Issue. He's not like a
doctor doctor, but Hubie will make you feel all right,
all the time.
If The Newlywed Game Had Been Hosted by a Talking Washing Machine Instead of Bob Eubanks ...
Describe the velocity of your whoopee-making. Is it: Normal/Gentle, Normal/Normal, or Fast/Normal?
Paris Hilton's Commencement Address to the University of Southern California Class of 2008
My first life lesson to you guys will be this: Telling a secret to someone in front of reporters is pretty much the same thing as telling that person a not-secret. That's a saying I made up.
We Love to Fetish and It Shows
or, Delta's Risqué In-Flight Safety Videos Are Bound for Depravity.
Presidential Personal Ads
Male, African American (!!), mid 40s seeks democratic people to instill with unbridled feelings of hope, pride, and naïveté.
My Up-to-the-Minute Election Coverage
Welcome to my coverage of the crucial [
insert name of random state here] Democratic primary.
On a Deadline, The New Yorker's "Goings On About Town" Restaurant Reviewer Hits His Local McDonald's
Faux-retro neon glitters into the night a beckoning for Scottish fare via kitsch interlocking double arches.
Happy Birthday from the Future
I am sorry that I ruined your birthday. You are right—it would have been more helpful to warn you about World Plagues I and II.
This Is Where We Keep Vivaldi's Body
Discover the Baroque composer's Fifth Season.
The One-Room M.F.A. Program
Zora Neal Hurston was passed out drunk on the floor a some Harlem speakeasy, weepin soft-like, dreamin a the sweet, velvet thighs a Eudora Welty!
Four Odes
Rachmaninoff; Blind Blake; S. Johnson; A. Gardner.
Hurrah!
Nowhere Is My Paranoia More Evident Than in My E-Mail Confidentiality Notice
If you have received this e-mail in error, please follow these 25 easy steps.
I Am an Aspiring Blurb Writer
"Eviction letters don't get more direct or tersely composed than this stunning début from EmersonVilla Management."
Diary of a Radioactive, Flesh-Eating Teen Zombie
I've always wanted to suck her brains out because she keeps borrowing my lip gloss without asking.
Grimwald and the Dwarven Curse: A Mitch Gavelneck Fantasy by John Grisham
A goblin, for Baal's sake. And an all-dwarf jury, too. Mitch grimaced and pulled his Giorgio Armani pinstripe cloak tighter about himself.
Alan Roney: Tourette Syndrome–Afflicted Jurassic Park Tour Guide
Here, up on the right, we have four
Velociraptors tearing unforgivingly at the flesh of a saber-toothed tiger chainsaw enema fuckballs!
Excerpts from Amelia Bedelia Joins CTU
The inept housemaid stumbles into saving the day.
In Which a Newspaper Addresses Some Problems with Its Restaurant Critic
Frankly speaking, the pieces lack culinary insight, are laden with obscene--often belligerent--language, and frequently fail to mention a restaurant or food.
Failures in Live-Blogging
Hey, why is everybody screami
Drunk Cat: The Unauthorized Story
I knew Fluffers way before he got famous ... He
changed.
Notes My Mom Put in My Lunchbox
Here's the note you wanted me to write so you don't feel left out
because your friends' moms are all putting notes in their kids'
lunches. Some mommies work.
The Lord Bellingham Letters, 1580–1610
Editor: Just as two plump and o'er-ripe pomegranates are crack'd betwixt stones for thy luncheon, in sooth I would thy balls were pummeled so.
Liam Gallagher Talks to John Lennon's Ghost
Unofficial transcript of a conversation between the late Beatle and the former Oasis frontman.
Market Wrap-up
Now it's time to do the numbers.
Calvary Cay
The First Eight Years of the Twenty-first Century Retold in Crypto-Allegorical Smut.
Hip-Hop Lit: New and Noteworthy
What Ho, G! by 50 Cent & P.G. Wodehouse "I endeavor to give satisfaction, dog."
Good Times: The Lost Episode
Ted Koppel visits the Evans family. Dy-no-mightline!
Magneto, Master of Magnetism, Holds Open Tryouts for the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants
Behold! The terrifying might of the fearsome
Baffler! The mighty terror of the dreaded
Beshemoth! The ursine villainy that is the terrible
Maulbearer!
Gordon Ramsay Has a Quiet Family Dinner at Home
The noted chef enjoys his wife's home cooking.
The Acceptance Speech for Best Actor from a Talking Dog Created in a Government Laboratory for Undisclosed Reasons
This moment is for Lassie, Old Yeller, Pete the Pup. It's for the canines that stand beside me, Bingo and Beethoven ...
Middle-Earth Customs Form
Department of Hinterland Security -- Gondor Customs and Border Protection
Spring Semester Course Descriptions on Which My Attendance in the Fall May Have Had Some Influence
Even though you do a great impression of Belloq from
Raiders, you're still going to fail
Introduction to Archaeology
A David Foster Wallace Valentine
Did it ever occur to you that the simple phrase "Be My Sweetheart" (hereafter referred to as B.M.S.) has been occluded by the desalinization of love, or rather the concept of love, which has been transmuted into an ironic declaration of faux-sentiment for the benefit of self-fulfillment of sheeplike masses (SLM) with the endless Hollywoodization and crass consumer-mongering of the media bouyed by the post-Christmas Holiday onslaught of sales-driven shelf-filling multinational retail conglomerates intent on upping the ante on first-quarter revenue?
Gift Idea: Diary™
For the blogger in your life, consider getting the gift that every media-savvy web-lettrist wants, the latest new-media tech sensation:
Diary™.
My Writers' Strike Diary
The statement is finished, polished, deadly. I have joined my fellow scribes—I didn't use that word in my statement because it's pretentious.
An Open Letter to the W.G.A. from the Hollywood Producers
We, The Consortium of Hollywood Producers, met this weekend over hookers and Mallomars at our Santa Monica lair and agreed that we're not really all that concerned with your writer's strikey thing.
Bret Michaels Considers the Candidates
I really dig that Obama. Sharp guy and young, too. So I think Barack Obama would rock my vote because he's probably the only candidate who knows my music. Cool name, too!
My Attempts at Genre Fiction Occasionally Suffer from a Cavalier Approach to Research
The Western: Cacti, tumbleweeds, oxen, logs. Probably sometime around the late 1800s or something.
Notes on How My Irrational Fear of Organ-Harvesting Has Been Killing My Chances of Random Hookups in N.Y.C.
Stylish woman, late 20s, slightly Eastern European accent. Black mini-dress, heels. Drinks white wine. Wants to take me home and drug me to harvest my kidneys.
Afternoon Delight with James Taylor
Hello, I'm James Taylor, and welcome to
Afternoon Delight--the show that's all about you and your sex-fetish inquiries.
A Public Message from the North American Soccer League
Is Major League Baseball a harmless athletic competition--or a front, a hideous ruse designed to lure healthy young men into the sordid world of male prostitution?
