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BY Now, I’m no doctor, but I've played enough rounds of “Operation” to know that ribs are bones. Boneless spare ribs, therefore, suggest a paradox of cosmic proportions. Can you have boneless femurs? No. Boneless tibias? I think not. Meatless pork? Makes no sense. Flightless birds? Ain’t a bird if it don't fly, brother. No, it seems the “boneless” spare rib is a Chinese hoax, much like the “fortune” cookies that promise to foretell the eater’s future by employing ancient, mystic secrets of the Orient. Turns out these “fortune” cookies are merely vague, one-size-fits-all non-promises typed onto tiny slips of paper by some guys in downtown Brooklyn and inserted into the cookies before baking. Folks, there is a nefarious Chinese plot afoot, and the man in charge is none other than chicken warlord General Tzo. Though the notorious General is no more than a cheap Asian knock-off of America’s very own military chickenman, Colonel Sanders, he is backed by an army of poultry, and therefore very, very dangerous. Chinese chickens are huge, vicious fighting machines that can peck at a rate three times that of normal chickens. The Chinese fighting chicken is adorned with brightly colored plumage to distract its enemy; it is armed with talons and a beak pencil-sharpened to razor-edge points; and endowed with the speed, agility, and cunning of Lucy Liu on uppers. Plus, they are trained from birth in kung fu, jujitsu, and feng shui. The Chinese fighting chicken is a lethal force, indeed. There is no hope, my friends. The world will inevitably fall to our Asian avian overlords. Cluck, cluck.
PAST THINGS WITH WHICH SOMETHING MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE BEEN UP
Boneless Spare Ribs: What's Up with That?
The Matrix Reloaded: What's Up with That?
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