2002 Archives

Fruit Salad
You Cannot Love All the People All the Time Those of you that know and follow my work, follow me, or just know of the depth of my talent in all arenas of my life know that I am full of love for all creatures. My Mammalia Mayhem...
Fruit Salad
Letter of Resignation "The woods are lovely, dark and deep / But I've got promises to keep / And miles to go before I sleep / And miles to go before I sleep." -- Robert Frost It is not easy bidding adieu to...
Fruit Salad
Only Time Days turn into weeks, weeks into months, and soon I have lost all track of time. It has been quite some time since I have regaled you with tales of my life, accomplished as it is. In the time of...
Fruit Salad
Out of My Cold, Dead Hands The hot breeze whips through the tall buildings of the city that never sleeps. I weave in and out of the worker bees on their way to their dull jobs to complement their dull lives and am quickly reminded...
Fruit Salad
Dust in the Wind The ethereal words from a rock group known only as Kansas. Other than rocking the strings off of their guitars with their seminal hit, "Carry On Wayward Son," Kansas addresses the ephemeral nature of our existence in their classic, "Dust...
Fruit Salad
Begin the Begin My life story is a long and lustrous one to tell, much like Hunter Tylo's hair on that Pantene commercial. The intricate details of my youth are not often paid attention to, and while obviously exceptional, lack the certain je...
Fruit Salad
Correspondence In the late 1970s, I enjoyed a brief rise to fame as photographer of the stars. With my reputation as an immortal wordsmith already cemented, I sought to expand my talent and scope as an internationally appreciated personality. Naturally, photography...
Fruit Salad
And the Beat Goes On Ah, yes. Those all too prophetic words off the pen of the late Sonny Bono and out of the mouth of his lovely (albeit now scary) ex-wife Cherilyn LaPierre (a.k.a. Cher). I say the beat goes on because, despite all...
Fruit Salad
Today I Play Hooky A curse on you, Major Media Company. Today I take advantage of my "sick" days. Today I stay home, despite having no major malady to concern myself with. My right knee, no longer throbbing and swollen, bends at my command....
Fruit Salad
Ask Not for Whom the Bell Tolls . . . "For whom the bell tolls? Why, dear sir, it tolls for thee." This is what I am told as I disembark from my small twin-propeller plane in Agua Del Piedro, Spain. It is here that I have arrived for...
Fruit Salad
The Real World Awaits Of course, I speak not of the transcendent reality series started by MTV some 11 years ago, which I spoke feverishly and fervently for at a benefit for the Museum of Television and Radio. (R.I.P., Pedro, mourn you ’til...
Fruit Salad
Critics, Shmritics I think The Chicago Chronicle once called me, "extraneous and not quite sane." I recall that The Washington Post called my writing, "jubilant and puissant." I read that The Los Angeles Times mentioned, "Wolinetz has the extraordinary gift of...
Fruit Salad
Cheese, Glorious Cheese As I've stated many times over, I am a man of extreme empathy. As I have no serious personal problems other than my numerous run-ins with the law and my on again, off again bouts with venereal disease, it is...
Fruit Salad
Those Were the Salad Days, although These Are Good, Too I woke up this morning, in my spacious three-bedroom apartment on the Upper West Side, groggy from a night of alcohol-soaked sleep. I was reminded of my younger days, those days that I spent in an Off Off Broadway...
Fruit Salad
Monday Morning Lament Once again, another Monday morning besieges my semi-consciousness, like the semi-colon besieges the work of an inexperienced journalist. My hazy, polluted head seeks to reclaim its legendary lucidity from a weekend of malaise. I gaze at the bookshelf, off...
Fruit Salad
Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza It is a difficult task to upset me so deeply that I become enraged. In fact, many people approach me daily to about my open-mindedness and acceptance of those who are clearly inferior to me. They are correct. I am...
Fruit Salad
Untitled Again The bright sun penetrates the hazy New York day. The look and feel of the summer sky remind me all too vividly of my grandmother's cataracts and I shudder, despite the heat. The mercury reads 98. Well, not so much...
Fruit Salad
Untitled I sit, once again behind my desk at a major media company, my face tender and red from the penetrating ultraviolet rays of that star which functions as our giver of life, and I am morose. No, not morose. I...
Fruit Salad
Untitled Post As I sit here once again behind my desk at a major media company, my injured right knee emits a dull throb as it has for the last 8 days. I pray for relief and it comes in the...
Fruit Salad
I Am Going to Die Alone A Spiritual Essay "Call you me fair? That fair again unsay." (A Midsummer Night's Dream Act I, Scene 1) I am going to die alone. Most active, virile, puissant men of roughly my age and build seem to be pairing...
Fruit Salad
The Succulent Cantaloupe People ask me all the time, "Geoff, as a smart, sophisticated, funny, deliciously handsome, well-read, well-spoken man, why would you choose fruit salad? Why not something more complicated, something that more represents the true nature of your being?" I...
Fruit Salad
And on that Note, Let's Cue the Music . . . As I sit here behind my desk at a major media company, my right leg laying prostrate in an immobilizing brace due to a knee injury incurred a week prior, I can not help but laugh. Are there not more...




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From the Y.P.aRchives


Fun, Fickle Fiction (for Free!)
Fact, Opinion, Essay, & Review
Poetry & Lyric
Advice, How To, & Self-Help


Spectacular Features, Calendrical Happenings, Media Gadflies
Media Gadflies
Calendrical Happenings
The Book Club


Semi-Frequent Columns
Letter from the Editors
Disquieting Modern Trends


Interviews with Interviewers
One-Question Interviews


Correspondence (Letters To and Letters From) Letters from Y.P.R. Letters to Y.P.R. Birthday Cards to Celebrities


The Y.P.aRt Gallery Illustrious Illustration Photography Photomontage Graphic Design Logo Gallery


Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms Shreek of the Week of the Day What's Up with That? Fuit Salad Nick's Guff Vermont Girl The M_methicist Daily Garfield Digest Polish Facts: An Antidote to the Polish Joke


New & Noteworthy Et Cetera, Et Cetera, Et Cetera


Contributors' Notes


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