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Tuesday, July 16, 2002   |    Fruit Salad

And the Beat Goes On

by Geoff Wolinetz
Ah, yes. Those all too prophetic words off the pen of the late Sonny Bono and out of the mouth of his lovely (albeit now scary) ex-wife Cherilyn LaPierre (a.k.a. Cher). I say the beat goes on because, despite all efforts to prevent time from marching on, it does. Except of course for me. My immortal words, transcribed with painstaking accuracy, will allow me to endure well past the 150-200 years that I expect to live. You may or may not know this but that most phenomenal of all actors, Clint Howard, is actually 207 years old. How, you ask me, does Clint Howard maintain his body and form despite being over two centuries old? The answer is simple: volume. I mean no offense to Clint Howard. Clint Howard is a dear friend of mine. Clint Howard and I ran an illegal off-shore gambling operation for nearly two years. Living in tax free splendor three miles off the coast of Florida, we made our living from games of chance, the ample vig that we charged allowing us to spend generously on blow and hookers. Clint Howard and I would skip stones off of the top deck of our 95-foot yacht. We’d make prank calls to his brother Ron and ask him if he had Prince Albert in a can, then laugh hysterically when he told us that he did. Back in the days of the late 1990s, Clint Howard and I would hang upside down from the monkey bars at the children’s zoo. Clint Howard would often be mistaken for an actual monkey, an event which he thoroughly enjoyed because he’d then be allowed to masturbate. I digress.

However, the beat which I speak of is not life. of course. It is the band Journey. I was allowed to travel with the band during their "Frontiers" tour in Summer of 1983. Here now the transcript of my opening speech at the Market Square Arena, Indianapolis, IN, July 16, 1983:

Any way you want it. Chilling and prophetic words from the band that will proceed my appearance here tonight. Even before Steve and the boys put pen to paper and wrote that masterpiece, I tried to live my life by those very words. Though their exact phraseology may not have come to me, that is the reason that I am credited in their liner notes. Ladies and gentleman, if you are in fact worthy of those titles, scared of the fate that may become you is no way to live your life. Of course you are scared, day to day life for you people must be at the very least, upsetting and disturbed. The reality in which I live and the reality in which you live are vastly different places. I awake in the morning and ask my houseboy, Ralph, to fetch my slippers. You likely wake up to the screaming of children and have to face another day in your pathetic lives.

Fear not, people of Indianapolis. It is fitting that I address you today in the hometown of one of America’s greatest living authors. I believe that Kurt Vonnegut Jr. himself put it best when he said to me, ‘Wolinetz, you are gifted and that is good. But remember, the people out there are not like you. They are God fearing. Many of them do not have basic cable television. They eat Cream of Wheat and think that the black guy is Uncle Ben. Coddle them. Love them. Their adulation and love will pay dividends. And if not, you could probably get away with killing a few of them.’ This is true. I probably could. But Kurt makes a good point and that is this: You need someone like me to point things out to you. And that’s cool. I’ve lived my life blessed with the gift of insight and am happy to give you all the help you need.

Well, I’ve rambled on for a bit. So let me sum up. You are pathetic creatures and need my help to survive. I am happy to do it. Any way you want it. Any way you want it indeed. Ladies and gentleman, America’s greatest rock and roll band, JOURNEY!

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.