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Memo to the Executives by Ron Burch

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Wednesday, July 17, 2002   |    Fruit Salad


by Geoff Wolinetz
In the late 1970s, I enjoyed a brief rise to fame as photographer of the stars. With my reputation as an immortal wordsmith already cemented, I sought to expand my talent and scope as an internationally appreciated personality. Naturally, photography followed, I dealt mostly in grotesques and most notably with Julie Newmar of "Catwoman" fame. Don’t get me wrong. I mean no offense to Julie Newmar . Julie Newmar is a dear friend of mine. During her days as Catwoman, Julie Newmar would smother me with her ample bosom and allow me to vibrate my lips against them, making a sound much like this: “brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrttttttttttttt.” Julie Newmar and I would drive around in the Batmobile, making lewd gestures at the elderly, all the while ingesting a potent mixture of Vicodin and wine coolers. When the sun set over the cascading hills of the Dakotas, we would ride horses bareback and take turns blowing the cattle. Those were the days. I digress.

As a photographer of the stars, I came in contact with a great deal of people. Here now, a portion of my correspondence with Angie Dickinson of Police Woman!:

June 23, 1977

Ms. Dickinson,

You are undoubtedly familiar with my work, as I am yours. I am a big fan of your television program Police Woman! My ex-wife Dyan Cannon and I would watch your show regularly until we had a series of ugly, confrontational shouting matches that led to our untimely splitting and my untimely loss of the third toe on my right foot. I am now attempting to make my way as a photographer of the stars. If you would be so kind to allow me, I would love to capture your image for the upcoming edition of Hustler magazine. I’ve been encouraged to inform you that all photographs are tastefully done. Larry [Flynt] would not allow otherwise.

I look forward to your response.

Geoffrey Aloysius Wolinetz

July 3, 1977

Mr. Wolinetz,

Thank you for your kind note and kind words about my show. I would like to reciprocate those words and take it one step further. I attended your recent exhibition, Anatomy of My Penis, and was very impressed with your work, as well as your package. You are a man of extreme virility, no doubt, and I would love to engage in sexual congress with you at some point in the very near future. Perhaps you would like to escort me to the upcoming Dean Martin Celebrity Roast of Don Rickles. It should be a good time. Plus, it’s fun to stick toothpicks up Dean’s nose when he passes out drunk.

As for your offer, I would love to sit for a photo session. You name the time and place.

And please, call me Angie.

July 17, 1977


Thank you for your kind note. Your offer has been accepted as well. I would love to attend the roast, as well as engage in a long session of lovemaking with you. I assure you, you will find it difficult to be pleased with another man following our time together. As for the photo shoot, how’s next Thursday?


Angie Dickinson and I engaged in a brief but torrid affair and the pictures that we shot were deemed to risqué for Hustler. Typical.
Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.