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Wednesday, July 3, 2002   |    Fruit Salad

Hold Me Closer, Tony Danza

by Geoff Wolinetz

It is a difficult task to upset me so deeply that I become enraged. In fact, many people approach me daily to about my open-mindedness and acceptance of those who are clearly inferior to me. They are correct. I am remarkably tolerant of the people and dogs that I run into daily. As a writer of great talent and superb ability, I feel it my duty to do what I can to soothe their mind with my euphonious words and the sweet inhale of the magical marijuana. You might find yourself asking what is it that makes me so angry? What, you say, has awakened the slumber giant within me that I call my ire? What is it that has my inner being all wound up like a Chinese prostitute?

I’ll tell you. While I sat behind my computer last night, feasting my eyes on the wide array of pornographic sites, I was shacked, outraged, dismayed to find that there is no Tony Danza Fan Club. There were many fan sites, but no "club" as it were. I was mortified. How could no one think to honor the genius that is Tony Danza? To truly know the man, you must recognize his genius, you must soak in the virility of his man, you must hear him bellow, "Angela! Samantha! Mona!" For Buddha’s sake, even that no-talent hack Tom Hanks has a fan club. Do not misinterpret me. I do not mean to insult Tom Hanks. Tom Hanks is a dear friend of mine. I recall the days that I spent as an assistant writer on that most hilarious and poignant of comedies, “Bosom Buddies.” Tom Hanks and I would spend hours laughing and gorging ourselves on the free spread that was offered to cast and crew. We’d take Cheerios, throw them at the back of Donna Dixon’s head and then duck behind the director’s chair. In the spring, we’d frolic in the pasture of greener acres. Those were the salad days. Once again, I digress.

I ask you, friends, to show your support for Tony Danza. He deserves the international acclaim that an Internet-based fan club would provide for him. Please, indulge me. I am willing to make the sacrifice. If you’d like to make passionate love under the pale moonlight, I must do what needs to be done. I will not, however, be held accountable to the life-altering change you will go through after indulging in the flesh. Please, friends, love Tony Danza!

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.