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Thursday, July 11, 2002   |    Fruit Salad

The Real World Awaits

by Geoff Wolinetz
Of course, I speak not of the transcendent reality series started by MTV some 11 years ago, which I spoke feverishly and fervently for at a benefit for the Museum of Television and Radio. (R.I.P., Pedro, mourn you ’til I join you.) I speak of that world outside of university, the world that we enter with wonderment and excitement at the conclusion of our stay in school. I speak of the days of one’s early 20s, those days which I have long since left behind me, those days which abandoned me like Ted Danson after the police busted up our pornographic film ring. I mean no offense to Ted Danson. Ted Danson is a dear friend of mine. In the early 1980s, Ted Danson and I would bring young women into our co-op that we purchased for a very reasonable price at an estate auction for Orson Welles. We would ask them to ride the wild boar we kept in our guest room. This was nothing of a sexual nature, I assure you. At times, we’d take off to Tijuana, where we’d purchase a bottle of tequila for a nickel and lick it off the bartender’s chest. The bartender, a portly Mexican man named César Chávez (like the migrant worker activist), would then take a piece of loose concrete and smash us over the head. I digress.

When I speak of the real world, I refer to a commencement speech that I gave not long ago at the prestigious Murray State University. This speech, given May 18, 1992, sought to give insight to how I make my way, day to day, through this topsy-turvy place we call life. Here now the transcript of that address:

Thank you, President Kurth, and thanks to your wife Betty as well. That was one hell of a meal last night. Dean Wormer, Vice Presidents Denton and Bailey, thank you also. May your britches be clean and your drawers unsoiled.

To the graduating class of 1992, I have always been told that a good speaker should start with a good joke, you know, loosen up the crowd. So here goes. A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I’d like a gin…

… and tonic.’ The bartenders says, ‘What’s with the huge pause?’ Polar bear says, ‘Fuck if I know, I’ve always had ’em.’ (As a side note, this is really more of an aural joke than a visual one. Feel free to tell it as well. It is wildly funny.)

This, class of ’92, is what I ask you to remember. The world is full of people who will tell you that the way you behave is incorrect. People will tell you that the way you do things is wrong. Your first and only commitment in this world is yourself. If someone asks you why you are the way you are, ‘Fuck if I know, I’ve always had ’em.’ As the one of the greatest writers, poets and love makers that this world has ever known, I have a huge responsibility to share with the world my keen insight and my wonderful gifts. Many of you, I suspect, are not talented at all. Many of you are probably not employed as of yet. I’d imagine some of you need help tying your shoes in the morning. This makes no difference. I am here to tell you that you need not be intelligent, have good personal hygiene or driving skills. You need not be able to get every spot when shaving or even be generally physically attractive at all. You may have loose moral practices or even poor grammar. All of this is excusable if you remember this one very important thing. Eventually, you are going to die. It will likely be a long horrible death also. You probably won’t have any loved ones, since you are a generally repulsive human being, so you got that going for you.

As I said, my responsibility to the world is huge. I have known many great people in this lifetime. Just two days ago, I was partying in the Oakland area mansion of MC Hammer. The way that man spends money and lavishes gifts on his friends and family, I suspect he will never be destitute. He will always have the love of his peers and family. Plus, the man makes some good music, am I right? Anyway, Hammer takes me aside and says, ‘Wolinetz, I’ve been around the world, from London to the Bay. It’s ‘Hammer’, ‘Go Hammer’, ‘MC Hammer’, ‘Yo, Hammer’. The rest can go away. You understand what I’m saying? You can’t touch this.’ I told him that I did indeed understand. I also have been around the world, as it were, from London to the Bay. I have seen people do things that you only think happen in movies. One time, I saw I guy take a crap on the streets of Munich. This world is a great and glorious place. Live each day to the fullest, Class of ‘92. There is much to see and do.

So, graduates, my advice to you is simple, take nothing for granted. You will likely live defeatist lives. You will likely be unhappy and unsuccessful. Vote in this election. No one wants Bush around much longer. So help me Buddha, if I lose another dime in the market, I’m going to throttle that ‘Wouldn’t be prudent’ bastard. Wear sunscreen. Punch the next person you see for good luck. Don’t spend more than 10 bucks for sunglasses. You can never have too many white t-shirts. Don’t eat your vegetables. Have as much sexual intercourse as you possibly can and try to have anal sex at least once. When you see a celebrity, gawk at him/her and make him/her feel as uncomfortable as possible. See the Grateful Dead and Nirvana in concert because their lead singers will both be dead in less than 5 years. Finally, read my books. I am insightful, witty and unbelievably good-looking. Both the Scared Tit and Let’s Go Indonesia on bookshelves now.

Thank you for pretending to listen.

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.