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Monday, July 15, 2002   |    Fruit Salad

Today I Play Hooky

by Geoff Wolinetz

A curse on you, Major Media Company. Today I take advantage of my "sick" days. Today I stay home, despite having no major malady to concern myself with. My right knee, no longer throbbing and swollen, bends at my command. My head aches not. My loins do, but for other reasons entirely. Today, I am free to spend the day as I wish. The people call this a three day weekend. I call it "Wolinetz’s Day of Fun."

You see, fun is that one thing which eludes definition. For instance, you may think it’s fun to watch a hamster fun around his wheel for 6 to 8 hours a day. You may like to watch him run and run, in a futile search to gain ground, all the while knowing that the poor little bastard won’t gain an inch. He’ll just keep running and running until his little legs finally give out on him. For me, I may think it’s fun to participate in an orgy with August Busch III, Janet Reno, Verne Troyer the midget from Austin Powers and Christina Applegate. I mean no offense to Christina Applegate. Christina Applegate is a dear friend of mine. I remember one morning, I went to visit Christina Applegate on the set of "Married … with Children." Christina Applegate and I would huff airplane glue and then persuade the window washers to let us do their job. After work, we’d walk along the beaches of Malibu and make love like Sea Otters until dawn. As a side note, if you ever meet Ed O’Neill, ask him to do his impression of Ted McGinley on crack. It’s hilarious. Again, I digress.

Today, in search of more conventional fun, I will go where the day takes me. Perhaps I will end up at the Gap. Perhaps I will end up selling newspapers with Ashwan, my friend who sits in front of the subway. Maybe, just maybe, I’ll stay in my underwear all day and pick the little fuzzies off of the couch in the living room of my spacious 3-bedroom Upper West Side apartment. The day is mine. Life is mine. I’ll never forget what George Carlin once said to me. "Wolinetz," he said, "I’ve seen a lot of people in my time, but you are the handsomest motherfucker I have ever laid eyes on. Now let’s go out and rustle ourselves up some snappers." He has a point. I am handsome. So I will do whatever it is that I want with my day off. And to the major media company, footing the bill for my time off, I have but one thing to say. No, make that nothing to say. This day is mine.

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.