As you know by now, I am an activist. I cannot help but reach out to the masses with my undying love and support, in return for debasing sexual favors and a virtually endless supply of narcotics. This is what has consumed my time over the last months. I accepted an invitation to an Indonesian island, where the residents participate in activities such as consuming frightening amounts of speed then performing A Doll’s House by Henrik Ibsen and folding cloth napkins into swans for formal dinners. This was a farm of degenerates, psychopaths and full-blown wackos — my kind of people. We spent afternoons in experimental sexual positions and evenings quaffing absinthe. I was asked to speak at our end-of-camp banquet and Hawaiian-themed barbecue called "Lai You, Lai Me." Here now, my remarks:
Friends, I have been asked to speak to you here at our closing ceremonies, and I have deigned to do so, albeit briefly. I have greatly enjoyed my time here among you lunatics and hope that I will someday be able to return again as your guest. You have extended your arms and welcomed me as your drug buddy, your sexual partner, and your brother. I appreciate it and I love you all deeply, especially you Tiffany [Johnson].Only time, my friends, only time indeed.
We have had good times these past weeks. Who could forget Lenny [Millstein]’s bad acid trip and his proclamation that he was ‘hotter than a Billy Goat in heat’? Or the time that Sally [Callow] went apeshit and urinated in our water supply? These were times my dear friends. I, too, participated in a few exercises that both boggle the mind and betray Newtonian physics, like the time John [Fox] and I took Quaaludes and gave that chimpanzee a bath. These are memories that I will treasure.
In closing, I know that I am a wildly famous, attractive, sexually engaging and staggeringly personable, brilliant man. At times, my reputation precedes me. You have taken the time to get to know me. It’s like my sixth wife, Tiffani-Amber Thiessen, once told me, "Wolinetz, you have a certain something that I can’t put my finger on and it makes you the most incredible person I’ve ever met. Understand that only time will show your true brilliance.