Wolinetz, Geoff
Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of “Silver Spoons”). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between “Geoff Witcher” and “Geoff Wood.” In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.
Incoming! February 14, 2005
Raise Your Hand if You’re Hiding a Damp, Sweaty Secret.
Incoming! October 18, 2004
What Would Jesus Do … If He Were in the Voting Booth?
Oldies Radio Marooned on Gilligan’s Island
[courtesy The Black Table]
Jobs I’d Like to Post on Craig’s List
[courtesy Haypenny(courtesy M.T.)]
Not So Smart Young Man
[courtesy eyeshot]
My Dinner with George and George
[courtesy (parenthetical note)]
Out on the Town with John Lithgow
A Matter of Respect
[courtesy Flak Magazine]
An Open Letter to the Panda Handler at the San Diego Zoo.
[courtesy McSweeney’s]
It’s Bitter Cold (or, Why I Want to Bang Alexandra Steele, Travel Correspondent for the Weather Channel)
[courtesy Über]
Excerpts from Other Speeches Mistakenly Attributed to Kurt Vonnegut
Harry Potter and the Bitch Ex-Wife
My Evening With CNN
Alumni Update from the Guy That Sat Behind Me in Homeroom That I Never Talked to and Only Remember Because He Was Really into Candlebox
UPN or Made Up?
Interview with the World’s Oldest Man: Ezekiel Houghton, Age 137
Tetherball with Grandma
Random Thoughts while Watching the “I Love the…” Series on VH1
Why I’ll Never Be Granted a Home Equity Loan
Short Introduction I Have Planned for When I Get to Break Ground on the New Wing on the Children’ Hospital in My Town
Some Sequels to Famous Books Written by the Original Authors’ Offspring
Why I’ll Never Be Published in The New Yorker
Mr. Wolinetz Goes to Houston: Geoff’s Wacky Super Bowl XXXVIII Adventure
A Note from Ann Coulter Left On Neal Pollack’s Pillow
Why I’ll Never Be Admitted to the New York State Bar Association
Winnie-the-Pooh and the Thug Life
A Slice of Heaven
Admissions Essays of Harvard Applicants Wholly Unqualified to Attend
Brief Character Summaries for My Yet-to-Be-Written Play
Why I’ll Never Be Featured at the Cannes Film Festival
Hey, Shakespeare, Kiss My Ass!
Lady, What’s With All The Cats?
Why This Broken Finger Sucks/Doesn’t Suck
My Cult Is Having Serious Problems
Life as a Houseboat
I Can’t Wait for My Midlife Crisis!
More Soup, Please
Generic 60s Beach Sitcom
Do Not Spindle or Mutilate
That’s Not How You Shave a Bear
Nunnery vs. Cathouse
I’m Sorry, What?
Koufax! The Musical
Why I Will Never Win the Nobel Peace Prize
Lenny Goldfarb, Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse