Thursday, February 20, 2003



It’s 1985: The place is decorated in hot pink and turquoise. A Garfield telephone is on the desk, beside an unsolved Rubik’s cube. The TV is on mute, and Duran Duran plays on the stereo.

TIFFANY (22, sexy little thing) is naked. She snorts cocaine off a Hello Kitty mirror.

CHAD (22, rugged good looks) walks in. He wears a sports jacket over a T-shirt and no socks.

Hey, is that Scarface you’re watching? Turn it up!

He picks up the remote and un-mutes the TV.

Fuck you!

Tiffany grabs a gun from behind the Garfield telephone and shoots Chad in the face.



Ray Stillman once killed a man with his bare hands, although he is not one to brag about such things. He is an aspiring screenwriter, an inspiring poet, and a perspiring photographer. Mr. Stillman is an ex-New Yorker who now lives in scenic, sunny, star-saturated Los Angeles, in an apartment building between a bowling alley and a tattoo parlor. He often finds it difficult to resist the urge to ink “Gutter balls” across the knuckles of his left hand. He has made sweet, sweet love with supermodel Heidi Klum many, many times but, again, is not one to brag.

That One Time I (an American) Called England (a Country in Europe) [Following is a transcription of a telephone call in which I, a fat, lazy American, had to speak with a business associate in England (a country in Europe). The transcription is as honest and accurate as memory serves.] Englishman: (speaking...
From the Producers of "24" Episode 1: "Urine, You're Out" -- 12:00 a.m. to 1:00 a.m. The telephone rings and it's the call of nature. Our hero stumbles out of bed toward the bathroom, but does he make it? Or does the potted plant get...
Advance Publicity for My Unwritten Masterpiece, in Case I'm Dead I may be dead by the time you read this, my faithful, loving audience. Be fortunate for my foresight, as I have thought to provide this glimpse into the very thing that may or may not have killed me by...

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