Dear the Gap
Gap Customer Relations
100 Gap Online Drive
Grove City, Ohio 43123-8605
Dear the Gap,
I’m working on a screenplay for a major motion picture that will be coming soon to a theater near you. I write this letter to invite you, the Gap, into a tastefully arranged product placement. The movie’s working title is Zombies in Khakis As you may have guessed, it’s about Zombies that wear khakis—shouldn’t they be Gap Khakis? Rest assured, it’s a not your typical gory, chop-’em-up horror bloodbath; no, this picture has serious existential symbolism and things like that in it.
Now, the Zombies are your typical zombies — the walking dead, in tattered clothes, covered in graveyard dirt, hungry for brains, etc. But, here’s where the gimmick kicks in: the cemetery is located right next door to a mall. They befriend a teenage girl (to be played by some hot young ingénue—what do you think of Rachael Leigh Cook? I like her.) who teaches them to be hip in a wacky montage of fish-out-of-water, Pygmalion-type relationship stuff. Some laughs, some scares, some tears. She gives them makeovers, she weans them off brains by introducing them to Wok & Roll and Cinnabon. And, of course, she takes them out of their ragged clothes and dresses them in stylin’ khakis. Cinnabon and Wok & Roll are into this project—What do you say, the Gap?
This project has all the earmarks of a summer blockbuster smash: a hot girl, some brain-munching zombies, a rockin’ soundtrack (do you like Blink 182? I have mixed feelings), cinnamon buns, and, hopefully, your plain-front, easy-fit khakis.
Let’s me scratch your back and you scratch mine. Mi casa su casa. Zombies in the Gap Khakis. This story has strong sequel potential (we can even get away with bringing back characters that died!). Also, let’s not forget beaucoup merchandising bucks: Zombies in Khakisaction figures. Zombies in Khakisvideo games. Zombies in KhakisGap khakis.
Okay, I’m not going to browbeat you with it; clearly you realize how great a deal this is for all parties involved. But things move quickly in this biz: Limited-time offer, the Gap. Get back to me soon, babe, I got Old Navy and Banana Republic sweet-talking me.
P.S. I’m currently “in talks” with Steve Buscemi to play the lead zombie, the resurrected corpse of Peter Lorre. He’s “getting back to me, pronto!”