Tuesday, February 18, 2003

Episode 1: “Urine, You’re Out” — 12:00 a.m. to 1:00 a.m.

The telephone rings and it’s the call of nature. Our hero stumbles out of bed toward the bathroom, but does he make it? Or does the potted plant get an unscheduled watering? Meanwhile across town, our hero’s girlfriend has an unscheduled encounter with a mysterious man peddling alcohol. Who is this man? And why does he want her to drink so much?

- - -

Episode 3: “Scratch That” — 2:00 a.m. to 3:00 a.m.

Our hero finds a virtually insatiable itch on the underside of his balls. Will his persistent scratching eradicate this nagging call or will our hero spend the better part of an hour scratching his balls? Meanwhile, our hero’s girlfriend is now drunk and her rogue suitor is putting on his best “Where’s your boyfriend now?” face. Will she stand up in the face of adversity? Or will that dirty tramp give him the goods in the back seat of his Camaro? (You know he has one.)

- - -

Episode 4: “Dream a Little Dream of Me” — 3:00 a.m. to 4:00 a.m.

The dream is reality and life the simulacrum, as we find our hero mystically transported to a throne atop a huge stone pedestal where he is cloaked in sun god robes. A thousand hands massage his body as a naked Ed Begley Jr. sings showtunes. Kirsten Dunst, Jennifer Aniston, and Jessica Rabbit beg him for sex, while Winona Ryder “steals” his robes. Our hero’s girlfriend has fallen asleep as well. In the morning, she will remember little with her distracting headache. Will our hero be able to jog her memory?

- - -

Episode 7: “Sun of a Bitch” — 6:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m.

Our weary hero, exhausted from a trammeled night of sleep and absurdly pointless dreams, squints and curses as the sun pours in through his Venetian blinds. Will he be able to get back to sleep? Or will he be forced to lie in bed watching the same episode of SportsCenter until he has to get up and go to work? The itch in his balls has returned and it has spread to his ass. Will our hero be able to contain the itch?

- - -

Episode 9: “Working Man’s Blues” — 8:00 a.m. to 9:00 a.m.

The day is a series of near misses. The subway comes nowhere near jumping the tracks, as our hero makes his way to his desk job at a major media company. His coffee is tepid, but not lukewarm, as he sits down at his desk. The report that he submitted to his nagging, incompetent boss requires minor corrections, but nothing major. Will our hero fight valiantly to protect his integrity? Or will he succumb to the shadowy, lurking character that is his boss? Or better still, will he ignore his phone calls and read the sports section?

- - -

Episode 16: “You’re Not the Boss of Me” — 3:00 p.m. to 4:00 p.m.

Our hero’s surly and balding boss has bloodlust. Who is his target? Our unsuspecting hero, who now sits at his desk playing solitaire and eating a Hershey’s Bar. Will our hero complete the coveted Freecell-Klondike-Pyramid solitaire sweep? Will our hero’s boss storm into his office demanding that he work the weekend? Will our hero break the Hershey’s bar into little squares or will he take bites out of it? Don Rickles guest stars.

- - -

Episode 19: “You Belong to the City” — 6:00 p.m. to 7:00 p.m.

Glenn Frey guests stars as a bartender with stubble, as the series takes a gritty turn. Our hero plunges into the New York City happy-hour scene, only to find countless other people exactly like him. In fact, everyone looks exactly the same. Our hero is muddled and confused as the drink seeps into his blood, rendering all of the women in the bar virtually indistinguishable. Will our hero find his friends and be able to go home? Or will he be lost in the maze of yuppie clones? Also, guest starring Seann William Scott as “College Guy.”

- - -

Episode 22: “Nighttime Is the Right Time” — 9:00 p.m. to 10:00 p.m.

Our hero’s girlfriend, seeking to drown her guilt in the comforting shoulders of our hero, arrives at his doorstep with groceries and an offer of a massage. Our hero, wary but not all that bright, welcomes her with open arms and a disturbingly long open mouth kiss. Will she be able to hide her transgressions? Will she be able to distract our hero with a marathon of white-hot sex? All signs point to yes. [Masturbatory advisory: May contain male ass shot and/or tantalizing but not revealing breast shot.]

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of “Silver Spoons”). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between “Geoff Witcher” and “Geoff Wood.” In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.

Advance Publicity for My Unwritten Masterpiece, in Case I'm Dead I may be dead by the time you read this, my faithful, loving audience. Be fortunate for my foresight, as I have thought to provide this glimpse into the very thing that may or may not have killed me by...
Dear Lesotho 7 February 2003 Ministry of Communications P.O. Box 36 Maseru -Lesotho Africa Dear Lesotho, I don’t know the right way to say this to you. I’ve been hiding my feelings for so long, it’s tough to say them out loud....

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