& Recently . . .

The Semi-Private Thoughts of Connie Chung

by Josh Abraham

12:08 p.m. I can’t believe I slept till two o’clock. I’m so hung over. Where’s Maury? My head hurts. 12:15 p.m. Oh, it’s twelve, not two. Whew. Thank God. What do I have to do today? Hmmm. Nothing. Good. Where’s…

Why I Will Never Win the Nobel Peace Prize

by Geoff Wolinetz

Nobel Prize Nomination Committee 1220 Alfred Nobel Way Oslo, Norway January 31, 2003 Dear Mr. Wolinetz, On behalf of the Nobel Committee, I would like to thank your for the submission of your application for consideration for the 2002 Nobel…

Dear Sierra Mist

by Geoff Wolinetz

Sierra Mist PepsiCo, Inc. 700 Anderson Hill Road Purchase, NY 10577 Dear Sierra Mist, I must admit that at first I was suspicious. My love of lemon-lime (“limon”) sodas is no secret in the international community. When I was notified…

Lenny Goldfarb, Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse

by Geoff Wolinetz

The Earth shook furiously and the screams of mankind could be heard throughout they were devoured by the once firm grounds. Thunder and lightning rolled through the heavens, which opened and let go enough water to fill the oceans once…

Confessions of a Kindergarten Mind

by Nick Jezarian

“Whose painting is this? It looks like a lovely house with a purple sky.” I loved purple, still do but it bordered on obsession back in the day. No one raised his or her hand. “Children, you really have to…

Polish Fact

How to Find Poland
On the Internet:
Top-level doman .pl

On the telephone:
Calling code 48

On the planet:
Continent Europe

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Learn Latin!
Mea culpa.
My bad.

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Thursday, February 27, 2003   |    Listicles

Stuff that Sounds like Porn

Sports Personalities with Good Porn-Star Names

Dick Trickle
Ron Darling
Kirby Puckett
Magic Johnson
Tiger Woods
Rollie Fingers
Randy Johnson
Three Finger Brown
Dick Butkus
Babe Ruth
Mookie Wilson
Honus Wagner
Ray Knight
Johnny Bench
Mitch Gaylord
Larry Bird
Sparky Lyle
Rusty Kuntz
Goose Gossage
Mugsy Bogues
Buster Douglas
Whitey Ford
Man O’ War

Names of Kids’ Breakfast Cereals that Sound Vaguely like Pornos

Honey Smacks
Froot Loops
Golden Crisp
Cocoa Puffs

2002 Movies that Are Not Pornos, but Sure Well Could Be, if You Use Your Imagination a Little Bit

The Ring
The Pianist
The Banger Sisters
Full Frontal
The Dangerous Lives of Altar Boys
The Good Girl
About a Boy
Igby Goes Down
I Spy
Roger Dodger
The Sweetest Thing
K-19: The Widowmaker
Kung Pao: Enter the Fist
Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood
8 Mile

Titles of Pornographic Magazines that Are Also, Coincidentally, College Nicknames of Eventual Presidents

Teddy the Hustler Roosevelt
“Penthouse Willie” Clinton
Playboy Jack Kennedy
Richie “Barely Legal” Nixon*
Will “Juggs” Taft
Millard Swank Fillmore
“Perfect 10 Ben” Harrison
Harry S Truman (The S stood for “Screw”)

* When voicing “Richie ‘Barely Legal’ Nixon” aloud, it is appropriate to “finger-quote” the “Barely Legal” nickname, as R.M.N. himself would have done. When voicing this footnote aloud, it is not neccessary to “finger-quote” the words “finger-quote” within these sentences. While we’re at it, “Finger-quote” does sound like pornography, but isn’t.

Or is it?