The Semi-Private Thoughts of Connie Chung
I can’t believe I slept till two o’clock. I’m so hung over. Where’s Maury? My head hurts.
Oh, it’s twelve, not two. Whew. Thank God. What do I have to do today? Hmmm. Nothing. Good. Where’s Maury?
I can’t believe how much I threw up. What the hell was that pink stuff? Shit, where’s the remote?
There’s nothing on television. I wish we had Showtime.
Did Maury eat all the Triscuits? Pig.
I swear to God, if Lisa Ling calls for “advice” again, I’m going to poke her eyes out.
2: 22 p.m.
“Face to Face with Connie Chung.” “Eye to Eye with Connie Chung.” I think my next show should be “Head to Head.” Nah, that sounds like a porno.
2: 47 p.m.
Tootie, Blair, Jo … what was the fat one’s name again? Valerie? Mallory? Something like that.
3: 01 p.m.
So middle name, street name … I’d be Yu-Hwa Jefferson if I was a porn star. “Head to Head with Yu-Hwa Jefferson.” That’s not so funny.
3: 19 p.m.
Did Maury make that Wang Chung joke again last night? I can’t remember. He’s an ass when he’s drunk.
“Tit to Tit with Wang Chung.” Hahahaha. Oh, where do I come up with this?
Sonovabitch! I can’t believe Ling got Barbara Walters to call me on her behalf. What is this, junior high?
I should have said, “20/20 this, Barb.” Shit, always think of these things too late.
Maybe if I “accidentally” call her Lucy Liu, she’ll stop calling me entirely. Ooh—what’s this? Johnny Walker Blue? Hmm.
I hope Bill and Hillary don’t bring up the earrings they bought me for Christmas. I lose everything. I’m terrible.
I can’t believe I finished a whole bottle.
There’s got to be more liquor somewhere in this house.
I think I’ll prank call Rather.
Shit! He recognized my voice. I know he did. Shit. Shit.
Where the hell is Maury? Seriously. Not cool. If he’s not lying in a ditch somewhere, I’m going to be pissy.
Ooh, good! There’s some Stoli left. Whew.
Well that didn’t last nearly as long as I … how the hell did my earrings get in the freezer? I swear I think Maury plays pranks. I don’t get his sense of humor. Stupid idiot.
Everybody have fun tonight … Maury’s gonna wang Chung tonight … hahahahhahaha … . Oh, mercy.
What’s that smell?
Where the hell is that rat bastard?
Seriously, what is that smell?
Oh my god. What is that pink stuff?
Does he even know I’m drunk?
Man, he does not shut up. I have no idea what he’s talking about. I think I should nod and say, “Interesting,” just like on my show. Yes! He bought it.
That man is so full of hot air. I can’t believe we’re cleaned out of liquor. I should do a show on liquor. O.K., if Maury doesn’t shut up in the next five minutes, I’m going to take off my pants.
That was quick.
Natalie! That was it, Natalie. Of course.