& Recently . . .

Why I Will Never Win the Nobel Peace Prize

by Geoff Wolinetz

Nobel Prize Nomination Committee 1220 Alfred Nobel Way Oslo, Norway January 31, 2003 Dear Mr. Wolinetz, On behalf of the Nobel Committee, I would like to thank your for the submission of your application for consideration for the 2002 Nobel…

Dear Sierra Mist

by Geoff Wolinetz

Sierra Mist PepsiCo, Inc. 700 Anderson Hill Road Purchase, NY 10577 Dear Sierra Mist, I must admit that at first I was suspicious. My love of lemon-lime (“limon”) sodas is no secret in the international community. When I was notified…

Lenny Goldfarb, Fifth Horseman of the Apocalypse

by Geoff Wolinetz

The Earth shook furiously and the screams of mankind could be heard throughout they were devoured by the once firm grounds. Thunder and lightning rolled through the heavens, which opened and let go enough water to fill the oceans once…

Confessions of a Kindergarten Mind

by Nick Jezarian

“Whose painting is this? It looks like a lovely house with a purple sky.” I loved purple, still do but it bordered on obsession back in the day. No one raised his or her hand. “Children, you really have to…

Five-Second Theater Proudly Presents Play on Words: A Drama in One Act

by Josh Abraham

The Scene: A book-lined study. Two bearded, bespectacled men write pages with pen and ink. The tall one is MERRIAM and the short, WEBSTER. They are in a heated discussion, yet neither looks up from his notes. Merriam: I just…

Polish Fact

The 16 Voivodships (województwa)
Greater Poland Voivodship (Wielkopolskie),
Kuyavian-Pomeranian Voivodship (Kujawsko-Pomorskie),
Lesser Poland Voivodship (Ma³opolskie),
Lodz Voivodship (£ódzkie),
Lower Silesian Voivodship (Dolnoœl¹skie),
Lublin Voivodship (Lubelskie),
Lubusz Voivodship (Lubuskie),
Masovian Voivodship (Mazowieckie),
Opole Voivodship (Opolskie),
Subcarpathian Voivodship (Podkarpackie),
Podlasie Voivodship (Podlaskie),
Pomeranian Voivodship (Pomorskie),
Swietokrzyskie Voivodship (Œwiêtokrzyskie),
Silesian Voivodship (Œl¹skie),
Warmian-Masurian Voivodship (Warmiñsko-Mazurskie),
West Pomeranian Voivodship (Zachodniopomorskie)

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Golpéeme, bebé, una más vez.
Hit me, baby, one more time.

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Wednesday, February 26, 2003   |    Fiction

The Semi-Private Thoughts of Connie Chung

by Josh Abraham

12:08 p.m.
I can’t believe I slept till two o’clock. I’m so hung over. Where’s Maury? My head hurts.

12:15 p.m.
Oh, it’s twelve, not two. Whew. Thank God. What do I have to do today? Hmmm. Nothing. Good. Where’s Maury?

12:38 p.m.
I can’t believe how much I threw up. What the hell was that pink stuff? Shit, where’s the remote?

1:15 p.m.
There’s nothing on television. I wish we had Showtime.

1:46 p.m.
Did Maury eat all the Triscuits? Pig.

2:13 p.m.
I swear to God, if Lisa Ling calls for “advice” again, I’m going to poke her eyes out.

2: 22 p.m.
“Face to Face with Connie Chung.” “Eye to Eye with Connie Chung.” I think my next show should be “Head to Head.” Nah, that sounds like a porno.

2: 47 p.m.
Tootie, Blair, Jo … what was the fat one’s name again? Valerie? Mallory? Something like that.

3: 01 p.m.
So middle name, street name … I’d be Yu-Hwa Jefferson if I was a porn star. “Head to Head with Yu-Hwa Jefferson.” That’s not so funny.

3: 19 p.m.
Did Maury make that Wang Chung joke again last night? I can’t remember. He’s an ass when he’s drunk.

3:22 p.m.
“Tit to Tit with Wang Chung.” Hahahaha. Oh, where do I come up with this?

3:26 p.m.
Sonovabitch! I can’t believe Ling got Barbara Walters to call me on her behalf. What is this, junior high?

3:34 p.m.
I should have said, “20/20 this, Barb.” Shit, always think of these things too late.

3:51 p.m.
Maybe if I “accidentally” call her Lucy Liu, she’ll stop calling me entirely. Ooh—what’s this? Johnny Walker Blue? Hmm.

4:19 p.m.
I hope Bill and Hillary don’t bring up the earrings they bought me for Christmas. I lose everything. I’m terrible.

4:38 p.m.
I can’t believe I finished a whole bottle.

4:39 p.m.
There’s got to be more liquor somewhere in this house.

5:03 p.m.
I think I’ll prank call Rather.

5:05 p.m.
Shit! He recognized my voice. I know he did. Shit. Shit.

5:08 p.m.
Where the hell is Maury? Seriously. Not cool. If he’s not lying in a ditch somewhere, I’m going to be pissy.

5:12 p.m.
Ooh, good! There’s some Stoli left. Whew.

5:19 p.m.
Well that didn’t last nearly as long as I … how the hell did my earrings get in the freezer? I swear I think Maury plays pranks. I don’t get his sense of humor. Stupid idiot.

5:26 p.m.
Everybody have fun tonightMaury’s gonna wang Chung tonight … hahahahhahaha … . Oh, mercy.

5:45 p.m.
What’s that smell?

5:51 p.m.
Where the hell is that rat bastard?

5:52 p.m.
Seriously, what is that smell?

5:59 p.m.
Oh my god. What is that pink stuff?

6:03 p.m.
Maaaaaaaaaury’s home!

6:15 p.m.
Does he even know I’m drunk?

6:17 p.m.
Man, he does not shut up. I have no idea what he’s talking about. I think I should nod and say, “Interesting,” just like on my show. Yes! He bought it.

6:35 p.m.
That man is so full of hot air. I can’t believe we’re cleaned out of liquor. I should do a show on liquor. O.K., if Maury doesn’t shut up in the next five minutes, I’m going to take off my pants.

6:41 p.m.
That was quick.

6:42 p.m.
Natalie! That was it, Natalie. Of course.

Josh Abraham was born in Algeria in 1913. He spent his early years in North Africa, working various jobs—in the weather bureau, in an automobile-accessory firm, in a shipping company—to help pay for his courses at the University of Algiers. As a young journalist, his report on the unhappy state of Muslims in the Kabylie region aroused the Algerian government to action and brought him public notice. From 1935 to 1938 he ran the Théâtre de l'Equipe, a theatrical company that produced plays by Malraux, Gide, Synge, and Dostoevski. During World War II he was one of the leading writers of the French Resistance and editor of Combat, then an important underground newspaper. Abraham's fiction, his philosophical essays, and his plays have assured his preëminent position in modern French letters. In 1957 Abraham was awarded the Nobel Prize for Literature. His sudden death on January 4, 1960, cut short the career of one of the most important literary figures of the Western world when he was at the very summit of his powers. No, wait. That was Albert Camus.