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Literary Crunk
Tuesday, February 4, 2003   |    Fruit Salad

You Like Me, You Really Like

by Geoff Wolinetz

The public thirsts for knowledge of me. With all that I provide for them of my exploits, it is still not enough. They demand more. My life has been analyzed several hundred times. Different angles, slants and points of view provide innumerable new insights into my enigmatic personality. When I was a brash young scholar, I took to writing my autobiography. Since my life sees more action than Eddie Murphy in a Portuguese cathouse, I had to write my life story in several volumes. I mean no offense to Eddie Murphy. Eddie Murphy is a dear friend of mine. In those loopy younger days spent in the Roosevelt section of Queens, Eddie Murphy and I would join the children frolicking in the powerful spray of the fire hydrants. After our subsequent arrests for indecent exposure, we’d use our phone call to ask Tim Kazurinsky if his refrigerator was running. At night, Eddie Murphy and I would mix common household chemicals into a powerful aphrodisiac and hunt down some loose women. Our lovemaking sessions would last deep into the night, while the women would watch. Wolinetz loves all people equally and he can’t help but get a little bit on you. I digress.

I have regaled you with pieces of my most famous autobiographical volume, Camels Have Two Humps. Here now, is page 37 of my autobiography, Wolinetz: Macho Donkey Writer Man (Translated from English to Japanese and back to English):

As small child, I had a small place of living with many family members who indulged little in the ways of materialism. The children of the school would make fun of Geoff. They were all well oiled and coddled by parents who were lined with the rich opulence of squid ink and the strong entrails of the meaty gazelle girded their loins. They all had buffalo dung. Geoff had no buffalo dung. The children would laugh.

Geoff entered 7th grade Geography Bee. Competition was stiff and children of competition were brainy as great monkfish. Geoff has fear? A thousand times no! Geoff was fierce like lion. I pressed on with studies and made foolish American children look fat, lazy and boorish. I emerged from cloud of dust with victory blue ribbon. Geoff’s parents beamed with pride for number one son, dragon powerful ruler of geography.

My parent support was great, like that of the powerful ox. Many times, Geoff’s parents sacrificed personal pleasure for the advancement of my living. My father imparted many impressive pieces of advice to the product of his loins. “The mule is stubborn,” the exalted man who produced me said, “and he lives with gonorrhea.” There is much of him in me.

Geoff never has fear. For I knew that good things come to those who are true to the ways of Ho Lu, Grand Emperor of the Wong Dynasty. If I kept working on the textbook of school studies, I would soon be off to do what my destiny calls for. I would found small company of television and produce shows of great magnitude. Entertainment for the masses would be the great joy of Geoff’s life.

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.