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Sunday, March 23, 2003
Oscar Coverage 2003

A Postcard from Joan

[Ms. Rivers is conspicuous by her absence from this year’s red carpet.]

Dear Everyone!

Hi! You look fabulous! Who are you wearing? I love it! Oh my God you look so beautiful I could just drop dead! Ahhhh! Love you! Who’s your date? Aaaahhhh! Look at my daughter, Melissa! Oh! Oh! Oh my God! You look so gorgeous tonight! Who are you wearing? Hey! I mispronounced your name! I have no idea who you are! I called you by the name of that other star who I sometimes mix you up with! Look at me! Ha ha, I’m such a silly old bat! I scare little children and puppies! I’m held together by Scotch tape and shellac! My bones only move thanks to the magical artistry of puppeteers from Jim Henson’s workshop! Look at Melissa! She’s gorgeous! She has a Ph.D. in psychology! I still made her get breast implants before I’d let her cohost this thing! My daughter is doomed to follow in my footsteps! Doomed, I tell you! Dooooomed!

Wish I was there!