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Your Disquieting Modern Trendsetters request the pleasure of your commentary. Is Target's recent "Baby Got Back (Pack)" advertisement a modern trend that sparks disquitude? Please drop Messers Layman and Osmond an e-mail.

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Polish Fact

Major illicit producer of amphetamine for the international market; minor transshipment point for Asian and Latin American illicit drugs to Western Europe.

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

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Les filles gros-basées, vous faites le monde basculant circuler.
Fat-bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go 'round.

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Monday, March 31, 2003   |    Fiction

Clips from Upcoming Films I Don’t Want to See

by Ray Stillman

George Washington Carver

[Starring Orlando Jones and Beyoncé Knowles. Directed by Orlando Jones.]

“Anyway, like I was sayin’, peanuts is the candy of the earth. You can barbecue it, boil it, broil it, bake it, sauté it. You can gets ’em shelled, not shelled, salted, roasted, honey roasted … Dey’s uh, peanut butter, peanut brittle, peanut oil … peanut soup. Peanut samwich. Uh, peanut butter Fluff, pinochle, Mr. Peanut. That—that’s about it.”

“Gee-Dubya, you dropped yo’ peanut butter in mah chocolate!”

“Naw, baby, you got yo’ chocolate on mah peanut butter…”

- - -

The Last Gecko

[Starring Arnold Schwarzeneger. Directed by Michael Bay.]

“You cannot blow up da volcano jungle island! Think of da species! Da SPEEEECIES!”


“Noooo! Da last gecko! Geeeeeckooooooooooooooo!”

- - -

Misty Eyes in Memphis

[Starring Ashley Judd and Marisa Tomei. Directed by Nora Ephron.]

“Molly, I’m so depressed about all the diseases I’m slowly dying of, even though I still look like a supermodel.”

“I have an idea that’ll cheer you up, Hannah! Let’s jump up and down on the mattress in our pyjamas and sing pop songs loudly and off-key!”

“That’s why I love you.”

- - -

Hall & Oates

[Starring Philip Seymour Hoffman and John C. Reilly. Directed by Paul Thomas Anderson.]

“What do you think of this: ‘Because your kiss, your kiss is on my calendar … ?’ Any good?”

“I really wish I had a moustache like yours.”

“Dude, you’re creeping me out.”

Ray Stillman once killed a man with his bare hands, although he is not one to brag about such things. He is an aspiring screenwriter, an inspiring poet, and a perspiring photographer. Mr. Stillman is an ex-New Yorker who now lives in scenic, sunny, star-saturated Los Angeles, in an apartment building between a bowling alley and a tatoo parlor. He often finds it difficult to resist the urge to ink "Gutter balls" across the knuckles of his left hand. He has made sweet, sweet love with supermodel Heidi Klum many, many times but, again, is not one to brag.