Dear Froot Loops
P.O. Box CAMB
Battle Creek, MI 49016-1986
Dear Toucan Sam,
America is facing some tumultuous times, economically, socially, politically. The winds of change blow, and the good or ill effects are not always within our control. In times of great distress, when the changes in our day-to-day lives are almost more than we can bear, we find ourselves eating comfort foods for security and stability. meatloaf and mashed potatoes, mmmm good. A nice hot bowl of Grandma’s chicken soup. P.B. & J., a tall glass of milk and a stack of chocolate-chip cookies. And whether you call ‘em hoagies, subs, or grinders, all of these foods are little edible bits of America.
And then there’s Froot Loops. The quintessential American breakfast cereal.
I see you’ve added Melonberry Pink to your sweetened multigrain cereal. Interesting! Exciting! Tasty! Melonberry Pink is, of course, most welcomed to the Froot Loops spectrum.
BUT YA CAN’T TAKE AWAY RED, SAM! Red is the very backbone of the cereal! Feel free to add new colors and flavors, but Red cannot go. If something’s got to give, take orange or yellow. Red must stay!
The proper way—the only way—to eat a bowl of Froot Loops and derive maximum satisfaction is to consume all the other colors first and leave Red for last. Once the other colors are depleted, the milk will turn a reddy, pinky, rosey hue due to prolonged Red exposure. When the milk has reached a pleasing shade of crimson, the remaining Red Loops can be finished, and what’s left will be the precise recipe for a unique cherry milk cocktail that tastes equal parts natural flavoring, sugar, and Red #40. Ambrosia.
In these turbulent times, Americans are panicking as if they were driving down a winding mountainside road through the rain and fog and dark of night and the dashboard brake light is flickering. I call on you, Froot Loops, to provide the stability, the security, the strength we need to endure. Red!