Monday, March 10, 2003

Dear Chuckles,

Happy 63rd Birthday! Good lord, Truck, you’re 63 years old and you still kick ass! Hell, I have no doubt you’ll still be ass-kicking at 80! (Don’t get all cocky and go breaking a hip, Chip.)

I’ve seen you in everything you’ve ever kicked ass in, and I’m not just talking about your numerous Missing in Actions and Delta Forces. I even have a VHS I dubbed from my friend Sneaky Pete that’s got your appearances and clips in four—yes, four—Bruce Lee documentaries: Curse of the Dragon, Bruce Lee in G.O.D., Bruce Lee: A Warrior’s Journey, and, my favorite B.L. retrospective, Bruce Lee and Kung Fu Mania. How come you and Bruce don’t make movies together anymore?

But, Chick, I gotta be honest, my all-time top favorite is, without a doubt, your 1986 animated series, “Chuck Norris: Karate Kommandos.” Sometimes, I stay up all night watching “C.N.:K.K.” marathons. My friend Sneaky Pete used to come over with our girlfriends, Lucinda and Blanche, and we’d have Karate Kommando parties, where we’d dress up and reënact scenes. We’d pretend we were the top secret operatives of the United States government and had to thwart the evil plans of the Claw and his righthand man, Super Ninja. I usually played Kimo, the samurai; Sneaky Pete was your apprentice Reed. (Nobody dared to play you, because who could do justice to your ass-kicking, even in its animated form?) But here’s where the problems started: Lucinda and Blanche got into a huuuuge fight over who would be Tabe the Sumo and who would be Too Much, your young ward. As you could imagine, the ladies were a tad sensitivbe about their self-image, Loosey in particular, and neither wanted to play the part of Tabe the Sumo. Because, you know, sumos are fat. And girls are silly about that. This was the beginning of the end, Chazz. There was an all-out fight, but not as much Karate Kommando ass-kicking as there was hair-pulling and crying. You’d think that would be a bit of a turn-on, but really it was just kind of sad.

Happy Birthday, Morris!

Josh “Kimo the Samurai” Abraham
President emeritus of the Carlos Ray Norris Fan Club, Lansing chapter (Web site coming soon!)

P.S. The Octagon gives me nightmares. All I hear at night is the echoing whispers of ominous voices quoting lines from that movie, and I think they’re misquoting some of the lines, and that really bugs me when people do that, ya know? Loosey Lucinda used to do that all the time.

March 10, 1940 | Chuck Norris | Texas Ranger

Dear Secretary of Transportation I'd go so far as to say that you are the best Secretary of Transportation since Samuel K. Skinner.
Dear Oxford Dear Oxford University,
Listen, I'm in a bit of a bind here, Oxford, and I could sure use your help. You see, what started as an innocent little white lie six months ago ("Why, yes, I can steer a tugboat...") has snowballed, as lies often do, into an elaborate web, which has become very tangled, and is not like a snowball at all...
Dear New York Times Book Review In which the novelist manqué J. Abraham mounts an epistolary quest for review.

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