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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Sunday, March 23, 2003
Oscar Coverage 2003

Henny Youngman's Lifetime Achievement Award Acceptance Speech

Thank you, thank you. This means a lot to me. It means I’m old.

Ha, ha.

Hollywood called me, asking me “How much to do a movie with Catherine Zeta-Jones?” “I said $50,000.” They called back, “How about $20,000?” I said “I’ll pay it!”

Ha. Catherine Zeta-Jones’s dressing room was next to mine. There was a little hole in the wall. I let her look.

Yes. Yes.

But seriously, I miss Mel Gibson’s acting—as often as I can.

How ’bout that.

You folks see some of these other movies out there?

Roman Polanski’s wife told him that she thought his Pianist was too long.

But seriously.

I went to see The Hours. It wasn’t too good, but it promised what it delivered.

Seriously, folks. Talk about long.

I went to see Lord of the Rings, but I couldn’t find that dancing Irish guy anywhere.

Ba-dum bump. Ha!

I saw Woody Allen’s Hollywood Ending. Not the movie, I mean his career.

I’m kidding, Woody. I love ya.

And I’d like to recommend Jackass: The Movie. It inspired the word “Cut!”

Ha, ha, ha.

I saw the Secretary and I tell ya, if I was her boss, I’d be C.E.O. of Micro-Hard!

I kid, I kid.

Heh? What? What do you mean I’m dead? I can’t be dead — Oh. Oh, I am dead. Shit. That sucks.

Take my life. Please.

Ha, ha, what? Nothing?

Tough crowd.