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Wednesday, March 5, 2003

Poetry & Lyric
Koufax! The Musical

Sandy Koufax pitched 12 years with the Brooklyn/Los Angeles Dodgers, retiring after the 1966 season with a career record of 165-87 and a career E.R.A. of 2.76. He was a six-time National League All-Star and captured two Cy Young Awards, two World Series M.V.P.s, and one National League M.V.P.. He is widely considered the greatest Jewish athlete in history. He is definitely not gay. This is his story.

(The Musical)



A young SANDY KOUFAX sits on the curb, throwing a ball in his mitt. A POLICEMAN walks by.

POLICEMAN: Hello, Sandy. How’s that arm of yours?

KOUFAX: Just fine, sir.

POLICEMAN: You going to pitch us to the championship this year?

KOUFAX: I hope so, sir.

POLICEMAN: Well, keep out of trouble.

KOUFAX: I will, sir.


KOUFAX: That’s all they ever say to me. Pitch us to the championship, Sandy. Stay out of trouble, Sandy. What if, well, what if I want to be … a dancer?

Song: “I’m Wearing The Wrong Shoes”
[Sung to a melody I made up in my head.]

All I ever hear about
Are the don’ts and dos.
If only I could tell them
I’m wearing the wrong shoes.

I can throw a baseball
As if it’s set on cruise.
Just how can I tell them
I’m wearing the wrong shoes?

I wanna be a dancer
Like tap, ballet or jazz
And dance in a recital
And show them all pizzazz

A hop, a jump, a quick one-two
Is hard inside these cleats.
And all they want from Sandy
Are undone baseball feats.

There’s something on the inside
That says I just can’t lose.
So toss me two leg warmers
And a pair of brand new shoes



Left side of the stage: 1965 World Series, Game 1. The L.A. Dodgers clubhouse is full, but there is a somber mood and a noticeably empty chair that reads “Koufax” on the back. Manager WALTER ALSTON, new starting pitcher DON DRYSDALE and owner WALTER O’MALLEY speak together downstage left.

Right side of the stage: SANDY KOUFAX is in temple. He is wearing a yarmulke and tallis.

O’MALLEY: Koufax is sitting today?

ALSTON: Yes, sir. He is. Drysdale is going to pitch for us today.

O’MALLEY: But he just pitched yesterday.

DRYSDALE: I’m ready to go sir.

KOUFAX: Baruch atta adonai …

O’MALLEY: We’re counting on you until Koufax gets back, son.

DRYSDALE: I know, sir. I’m a veteran also.

ALSTON: Don’s been with the team for 10 years.

O’MALLEY: What the hell do I know? I’m nothing but an old fool who moved the team from the city that loved it just to make some more money. I’m going to go light a cigar with a $100 bill. Excuse me.

KOUFAX: Adonai es hamvorach …

Song: “Canticle (A Jew’s Defense)”
[Sung to the tune of “Cabron” by the Red Hot Chili Peppers.]

I’ll pitch my heart out
For the beloved Dodger Blue
I’ll take it on the mound
And strikeout Mr. Rod Carew

I am tall and have it all
I won the Cy Young too
I am just like you

I see that he is playing
But unlike that Rod Carew
Just remember that
I am a religious Jew

I am small and throw a ball
Today I sing “Baru’ch Hu”
Cause God wants me too

Tonight, I’m gonna go
And throw all that I have at you
Slider, curve, fastball
And make you ground out into two

I have balls and I’m a dog
I’ll throw the ball at you
Cause that’s what I do

Tomorrow I’ll pitch
And over everyone I’ll tower
But this is Yom Kippur
And there’s a bigger, higher power

I know the songs, I sing along
Now the Rabbi’s through
It’s time for bagels and tuuuna

Sandy likes God
And I say that by me it’s cool
I’m a Protestant
And we don’t have those kinds of rules

I’m not a Jew and I say “whew”
I wear my Converse shoes
And I love Yoo-Hoo

We’re the Dodgers
And we have a very strong bullpen
If Drysdale needs it

I’m a Jew, Don, not like you
I have to go to shul
Cause God wants me to
What else can I do?



SANDY KOUFAX walks in stage left. JANE LEAVY, his biographer, accompanies him. The two walk slowly and with little endeavor. COLONEL PICKERING stands idly alongside KOUFAX.

JANE: Now, Mr. Koufax …

KOUFAX: Please, call me Sandy.

JANE: O.K., Sandy. What do you think was the best part of your game?

KOUFAX: Simple. My E.R.A. Wouldn’t you say, Pickering?


JANE: And your favorite city?

KOUFAX: I was born in Brooklyn, but I love L.A.

JANE: To live?

KOUFAX: To play.

SERVANTS enter from both sides of the stage.

Song: “You Played in L.A.”
[Sung to the tune of “The Rain In Spain” from My Fair Lady.]

Quit, Mr. Koufax
Quit, Mr. Koufax
Hear our plea
Or payday we
Will quit, Mr. Koufax
A not I
O not Ow
Don’t say “plow,” say “play”

I played in L.A. with the lowest E.R.A.

You played in L.A. with the lowest E.R.A.


You played in L.A. with the lowest E.R.A.

I think she’s got it! I think she’s got it!

You played in L.A. with the lowest E.R.A.

By George, she’s got it!
By George, she’s got it!
Now once again, where did I play?

L.A.! L.A.!

And what was low there in L.A.?

E.R.A.! E.R.A.!

You played in L.A. with the lowest E.R.A.!
You played in L.A. with the lowest E.R.A.!

In Boston, Baltimore and Brooklyn?

Bums hit home runs.
How kind of you to let me come!

Now, once again, where did I play?

L.A.! L.A.!

And what was so blasted low there in L.A.?

E.R.A.! E.R.A.!

You played in L.A. with the lowest E.R.A.!
You played in L.A. with the lowest E.R.A.!

PICKERING: Good show, old boy!


Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.