Monday, March 3, 2003 | Fiction
Tequiza Makes Me Tequeasy
Boston.
Ollie the Barber sits on a barber’s chair and looks out his storefront window. Beside him is his assistant (and sole employee), a one-armed, one-eyed, 300-pound midget named Slim. They have been without customers all day. The two barbers sulk as they watch the long lines of customers waiting for each of the three side-by-side barbershops across the street.
Slim: Hey, boss, you mind if I head out early today since we ain’t got no bizness again?
Ollie: Why do you think no one comes here, Slim?
Slim: I don’t think they trust ya’s.
Ollie: Why wouldn’t they trust me? I’m Ollie Barber!
Slim: Ever hear of Ali Baba?
Ollie: No.
Slim: Never mind then.
Slim walks out the door.
Ollie: Fuckin’ midget.
Nick Jezarian is clearly a superbly built creation resulting from the union of man, woman, and crustacean. Nick's crustacean heritage contributes to his being mostly belligerent, constantly angry, yet always amused. Considering Nick's criminal spelling and grammar habits, the fact that he is part of the Y.P.R. brain trust doesn't say much about the site. Josh and Geoff have driven Nick's writing to new levels as he sends his Guff to the staff in an elaborate binary code that can only be deciphered by the light of pixie dust. Nick is Y.P.R.'s resident hip-hop expert, as he owns three CDs and once stabbed 50 Cent. Nick's favorite word is "word."