& Recently . . .

A Good Piece of ‘S’

by Sally Reardon

“Sally, you’re silly,” Sully said softly. “Sully, I’m not trying to be silly,” said Sally sullenly. “So don’t sully my name.” “Sorry, Sally. I don’t want to say something sordid that would stop you from saying something sweet to me,”…

Dear the Gap

by Josh Abraham

Gap Customer Relations 100 Gap Online Drive Grove City, Ohio 43123-8605 Dear the Gap, I’m working on a screenplay for a major motion picture that will be coming soon to a theater near you. I write this letter to invite…

The Semi-Private Thoughts of Connie Chung

by Josh Abraham

12:08 p.m. I can’t believe I slept till two o’clock. I’m so hung over. Where’s Maury? My head hurts. 12:15 p.m. Oh, it’s twelve, not two. Whew. Thank God. What do I have to do today? Hmmm. Nothing. Good. Where’s…

Why I Will Never Win the Nobel Peace Prize

by Geoff Wolinetz

Nobel Prize Nomination Committee 1220 Alfred Nobel Way Oslo, Norway January 31, 2003 Dear Mr. Wolinetz, On behalf of the Nobel Committee, I would like to thank your for the submission of your application for consideration for the 2002 Nobel…

Polish Fact

Population Growth Rate:
0% (2003 est.)

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Learn Yiddish!
Der Tog nokh der Morgn.
The Day after Tomorrow.

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Monday, March 3, 2003   |    Fiction

Tequiza Makes Me Tequeasy

by Nick Jezarian


Ollie the Barber sits on a barber’s chair and looks out his storefront window. Beside him is his assistant (and sole employee), a one-armed, one-eyed, 300-pound midget named Slim. They have been without customers all day. The two barbers sulk as they watch the long lines of customers waiting for each of the three side-by-side barbershops across the street.

Slim: Hey, boss, you mind if I head out early today since we ain’t got no bizness again?

Ollie: Why do you think no one comes here, Slim?

Slim: I don’t think they trust ya’s.

Ollie: Why wouldn’t they trust me? I’m Ollie Barber!

Slim: Ever hear of Ali Baba?

Ollie: No.

Slim: Never mind then.

Slim walks out the door.

Ollie: Fuckin’ midget.

Nick Jezarian is clearly a superbly built creation resulting from the union of man, woman, and crustacean. Nick's crustacean heritage contributes to his being mostly belligerent, constantly angry, yet always amused. Considering Nick's criminal spelling and grammar habits, the fact that he is part of the Y.P.R. brain trust doesn't say much about the site. Josh and Geoff have driven Nick's writing to new levels as he sends his Guff to the staff in an elaborate binary code that can only be deciphered by the light of pixie dust. Nick is Y.P.R.'s resident hip-hop expert, as he owns three CDs and once stabbed 50 Cent. Nick's favorite word is "word."