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Things I Can’t Believe Happened (March 2003)

by Harold Middleman

Headlines I Can’t Believe I’ve Read Crunch! Giant Cheeto Spurs Online Frenzy Small Iowa town to put it on display Friday, March 7, 2003 CNN Monkeys Flee Research Center, Keepers Trying to Lure Them with Bananas Wednesday, March 12, 2003…

A TV-Commercial Script

by Ray Stillman

Two TEENAGE GIRLS spot a PREPPIE GUY strutting in the distance. They giggle and swoon, then chase after him. Off screen, two Aretha-sounding SOUL DIVAS sing: First Singer (Second Singer): Who’s that walkin’ down the street? (Who?) That boy with…

Nunnery vs. Cathouse

by Geoff Wolinetz

NUNNERY vs. CATHOUSE VIII: LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW The Place: Caesar’s Palace, Las Vegas The Date: Saturday, March 29, 2003 The Time: 10:00 p.m. Featured Matches: Sister Elizabeth “Lizzie Borden” McGuirevs.Candy “Striper” Lewis Sister Lizzie Borden is no stranger to the…

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Orzeł Biały (White Eagle)

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Friday, March 28, 2003   |    How To

That’s Not How You Shave a Bear

by Geoff Wolinetz

God, no, you’re doing it all wrong. Give me the can of shaving cream. Why are you so inept? Just give it to me. Look, if we don’t get this done soon, the guy is going to come to feed the bear and we’re going to get caught. Ow! Don’t punch me. You’re the one who’s screwing this whole thing up. Yeah? You and what army, pal? I’d like to see you try.

Look. Look. This is getting us nowhere. We don’t have much time.

O.K., this is gel shaving cream. You have to rub it on in a circular motion in order to get any kind of lather. Will you just shut up and make sure that he’s still sleeping? How do I know it’s a he? Did you see the humongous bear penis? Oh, you haven’t looked at this end. Well, take my word for it. What did I just say about circular motions? Jesus, it’s like living with a six-year-old. Wax on. Wax off. Wax on. Wax off. You see?

Yes, like The Karate Kid if that helps you.

Now, where’s the razor? What do you mean, you thought I was supposed to bring the razor? You brought the shaving cream, didn’t you? Why wouldn’t you bring a razor also? It stands to reason that if you bring shaving cream, you would also bring a razor! Sharing responsibilities? Did I not bring the shears to break us into the cage? Did I not pick the lock? Did I not bring all of the tools responsible for those feats? I gave you one simple job and you screwed it up. I’m not yelling at you. I’m just upset. I’m upset because we came in here to shave a bear and now we’re not going to be able to do so. You know, you work months and months on a foolproof plan to break into the zoo and shave a bear and then some fool comes along and ruins it.

O.K., come on. I’m sorry. Don’t cry. No, stop crying. Come on, you’re going to wake up the bear and then we’re all going to be in trouble. Do you want to get some ice cream? I’ll take you for ice cream and you can get all of the toppings you want. Yes, even the Reese’s Pieces. I know you like those. Yes, peanut butter in the middle and a thin chocolatey shell. I know all about the Reese’s Pieces.

Look, we can just cover him with shaving cream. That will be funny too. Let’s just cover him with shaving cream. Here, take the can. Go on. Spray it all over him. Atta boy. Go on. See? We’re still having fun. O.K., cover him with shaving cream. Get some by the ears. The guy who feeds him is going to be here any minute.

O.K., now let’s go, the fish tanks are over there.

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.