& Recently . . .

A TV-Commercial Script

by Ray Stillman

Two TEENAGE GIRLS spot a PREPPIE GUY strutting in the distance. They giggle and swoon, then chase after him. Off screen, two Aretha-sounding SOUL DIVAS sing: First Singer (Second Singer): Who’s that walkin’ down the street? (Who?) That boy with…

Nunnery vs. Cathouse

by Geoff Wolinetz

NUNNERY vs. CATHOUSE VIII: LIVE ON PAY-PER-VIEW The Place: Caesar’s Palace, Las Vegas The Date: Saturday, March 29, 2003 The Time: 10:00 p.m. Featured Matches: Sister Elizabeth “Lizzie Borden” McGuirevs.Candy “Striper” Lewis Sister Lizzie Borden is no stranger to the…

Polish Fact

Daily Newspapers:
Gazeta Wyborcza
Super Express
Nasz Dziennik

Weekly Magazines:
Wprost (rightwing)
Polityka (leftwing)
Newsweek (Polish edition)
Najwyższy Czas! (rightwing)
Przegląd (leftwing)

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

Parlez-Vous Français!
Les filles gros-basées, vous faites le monde basculant circuler.
Fat-bottomed girls, you make the rockin' world go 'round.

Y.P.aRt Gallery

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Thursday, March 27, 2003   |    Non-Fiction

Things I Can’t Believe Happened (March 2003)

by Harold Middleman

Headlines I Can’t Believe I’ve Read

Crunch! Giant Cheeto Spurs Online Frenzy
Small Iowa town to put it on display
Friday, March 7, 2003

Monkeys Flee Research Center, Keepers Trying to Lure Them with
Wednesday, March 12, 2003

Mountain Covers Its ‘Nipple’
After Pressure From Skiers and Tourists, Wyo. Mountain Covers Its
ALTA, Wyo. March 13, 2003
ABC News

Cameroon Bans Urine ‘Remedy’
Thursday, 13 March, 2003
BBC News

Latrine deaths over Kenyan cell phone
Friday, 14 March, 2003
BBC News

Millionaire Cough Was ‘Dust Allergy’
Friday, 14 March, 2003
BBC News

Comedian Dick Smothers’ Son Launches Porn Career
Tuesday, Mar 18, 2003
Yahoo! News

It’s Yellow, but Not French
Wednesday, March 19, 2003
The Washington Times

Comments I Can’t Believe I’ve Overheard in My Office

“Oh my God, between the war and my back, it’s been an emotional rollercoaster.”

“Are you just telling me that I’m the tallest of the midgets?”

“If I get another box of pencils as a gift, I’m going to kill somebody.”

“Oh shit, there’s my shoe.”
[Upon finding said shoe in file cabinet.]

“Oh yeah, no one would have watched ‘Friends’ then, that’s when anthrax was on. Personally I found ‘Friends’ more entertaining.”

“But I’ve yet to have charges pressed against me.”

“Well, Allie doesn’t drink liquor.”
“Liquor? I don’t even know her.”

“The Q4 2001 Travel Promotion wasn’t successful.”
“No shit.”

“Well, I’ve got a walk-on-water meeting at 2, and then a turn-water-into-wine meeting at 3, and then I’ll look into it after that.”

“Jennifer, go on the Internet and find out what red means.”

Harold Middleman hails from somewhere where babies are christened in beer and the city comptroller doubles as the moyel for every bris. Harold is bizarre, but not in a "How Bizarre, How Bizarre" kind of way; more like, my God, that man is bizarre! He floats in and out of reality and occasionally drops by with a submission. If you see Harold out without his helmet, please send him home immediately.