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Dear N.Y.T.B.R. Pt. V

by Josh Abraham

The Editor The New York Times Book Review 229 West 43rd Street New York, N.Y. 10036 April 6, 2003 Dear N.K.O.T.B., All through the dark of night, I lurked by my local newsstand, half hidden by the milk crates and…

How to Get Rid of a Body Using Ordinary Household Objects

by James MacFarlane

O.K., we can chop him into eight or ten easy-to-manage parts using the kitchen Ginsu knives; we stuff each carryable body part into a pillowcase (dark-colored, so as to not reveal blood seeping through); tie each pillowcase to a broom…

Do Not Spindle or Mutilate

by Geoff Wolinetz

Forceps. I said, “Forceps.” Can’t you for once just be a good nurse and give me something when I ask for it? You’ve seen “ER,” right? You know how all of those pretend doctors get everything they need right away?…

Polish Fact

38,635,144 (2005 est.)

Learn a Foreign Tongue!

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Was ist im Leben am besten? Ihre Feinde zerquetschen, sie sehen, gefahren vor Ihnen und die Wehklage der Frauen hören!
What is best in life? To crush your enemies, see them driven before you, and to hear the lamentation of the women!

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Monday, April 7, 2003   |    Letters (from)

Dear Sally Field’s Agent

by Geoff Wolinetz

Sally Field
c/o Creative Artists Agency
9830 Wilshire Blvd.
Beverly Hills, CA 90212-1825

April 7, 2003

Dear Ms. Field,

Let me begin by saying that I am a tremendous fan of your work. My friends always thought it odd that a man (such as myself) would rank Steel Magnolias as one of his top five movies of all time, but I’ll be darned if the scene where the little boy runs to you after you came from the hospital where your daughter has just passed on doesn’t get me crying every time. In fact, I remember one such occasion where a few of my college mates came into my room and I had to quickly wipe my eyes dry. That is a story for another time.

I am a great fan of the written word, which is why I compose this letter to you rather than call the agency up directly. The written word, in my humble opinion, still carries a greater efficacy than any other medium for direct person-to-person communication. I also contend that the carrying of mail from one location to another for less than the cost of my morning coffee is one heck of deal. Additionally, there is nothing quite like the feeling one gets when one receives a letter in the mail. It’s a nice pick-me-up.

The written word, incidentally, is the purpose for my writing you this letter. If you’ll indulge a quick anecdote, I was at home early on Friday after a rather slow day at work. I was due to meet my sister later that evening. She lives in Boston and was in town for the weekend. I decided to flip on the television for a little entertainment prior to the evening’s plans. Well, I was delighted to find that your very first sitcom, “Gidget,” now runs in syndication on TV Land. I must admit, I was not alive when it was a first-run television show. However, I have managed to catch most of the episodes in repeat and I must say the show is simply delightful!

To make a long story short, as I have mentioned, I am a writer (an admittedly amateur one). I got to thinking after watching your television show that no one really has yet to put your story down. Who has told the story of Sally Field? From my limited research, that answer is no one. I would like to be the one to write your biography. Quite simply, you are a celebrated actress. You have earned two Academy Awards. The Hollywood press has decorated you countless times over. You have, no doubt, led an extraordinary life. It is my belief that Sally Field has something to say and lessons to teach. You conduct these lessons and feeling through film. Please allow me to transcribe them.

I do not seek to publish an exposé. I do not wish to dig up sordid details. This would not be the purpose of this book. I would like to show the world the strength of Sally Field. Conversely, you would be doing a young, underexposed writer a great service by allowing him to pay homage to one of his favorite actresses. I speak, of course, of myself.

I urge you to think it over before responding to me. I think this would be a wonderful opportunity for both of us. The world is eager to hear your story. We like you. We really like you!

Thank you for your indulgence.

Geoffrey Wolinetz

P.S. I hope it would not be too much to ask for an autographed photo.

P.P.S. I have a working title, Sally Field Forever, like the Beatles song. It’s just a working title.

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.