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Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives:

Fourth of July Fourthiness.

Independence is on the march, patriots.

& Recently . . .

Kurt Cobain's Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks by Angela Genusa

"B.L.T.": A Review by Will Layman

Ten Tiny Poems by Brian Beatty

Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project by David Ng

Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always by William K. Burnette

A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms by Aaron Belz

Polish Fact

Zloty Exchange Rate:

1 USD = 3.95 PLN
1 Euro = 4.67 PLN

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Thursday, April 3, 2003   |    Fiction

Do Not Spindle or Mutilate

by Geoff Wolinetz


I said, “Forceps.”

Can’t you for once just be a good nurse and give me something when I ask for it? You’ve seen “ER,” right? You know how all of those pretend doctors get everything they need right away? Sometimes they’ll say, “Give me 10 c.c.s of morphine.” You know what they get? 10 c.c.s of morphine. It’s a beautiful system they have working there. Try to make it like that.

Well, if you looked like Juliana Margulies, maybe I’d pay you like her. For now, I need you to act like her. Do you think you can handle that?


O.K., come on. What do I need to do to get you to give me the forceps? I’m a doctor. I’m trying to perform delicate liver surgery in front of 40 people seeking instruction. Look up. There are future doctors up there, looking to me to provide them with guidance on how to conduct this surgery. Do you see Marcus? He’s the one picking his nose. He will never be a doctor. The other 39 will someday be doctors. What I need for you to do right now is hand me the forceps, so that I may provide these people some return on their medical school investment. I have one hand in this man’s entrails and the other is waiting for some cool metal forceps to be placed in them.

Give me the forceps.

Give me the forceps, please. Is that good enough? Why do you resist me? Do you not like me? Other than your demand for Juliana Margulies-level pay, do I not provide you with good medical care, free of charge? Was it not enough that I came to your house dressed as Santa Claus and provided your children with gifts and treats for the holiday season? What is it that I’ve done that would cause you to resist giving me forceps?

I shouldn’t what? Yes, I know that the medical books say to not spindle or mutilate the liver. I am a doctor. I have performed this surgery countless times in front of better company than Marcus, who has now stopped picking his nose and started picking his ass. MARCUS! Down here! Yes, would you mind? Thanks.

Now, just give me the forceps, please, and I’ll go on. Yes, I’ll be sure not to spindle or mutilate. I am a medical doctor. I think I can handle you passing me the forceps with out dropping them into the—


Um, backup forceps. Please.

Geoff Wolinetz cannot be found on IMDb because the Hollywood community refuses to acknowledge the production of his seminal masterpiece Come What May, a gritty psychothriller starring a guy who kind of looks like Billy Baldwin and Erin Gray (formerly of "Silver Spoons"). If he were to be found on IMDb, his name would fall between "Geoff Witcher" and "Geoff Wood." In addition to his imaginary film career, Geoff also maintains an imaginary career as a baron of industry, is lead singer of the imaginary band Kick Ass, Falco, holds an imaginary Olympic gold medal and is an imaginary Pulitzer laureate in the field of journalism for his investigative piece on the albinos of Alaska.