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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Wednesday, April 23, 2003

Happy Birthday, Joyce DeWitt!

Dear Ms. DeWitt,

Happy 54th Birthday! First of all, Joyce, I’d like to say I’m simply outraged that the “executive producers” didn’t pick you to play the role of Janet Wood in the “Three’s Company” feature film currently gearing up for production. I mean, it’s understandable that they’d pander to horny, cash-waving teenagers by casting Ashton Kutcher as Jack and Tara Reid as Chrissy. But Selma Blair as Janet? That’s ridiculous. Poor, poor casting choice there. She doesn’t hold a candle to you, the legendary Joyce DeWitt. But, I guess it’s all about image. And frankly, you’ve been flying way under the H-wood radar lately, babe.

But you’re in luck, toots. You see, I’m a hot-shot marketing whiz on Madison Avenue. I practically sweat million-buck ideas. Me and the boys were discussing you over lunch and decided we could resurrect your career with a few hot commercials. Don’t think of it as “selling out” by endorsing corporate products. Think of it as “selling out for a swimming pool full of cash.” See? I bet your eyes just went cha-ching. I can sell anything to anybody!

Mountain Dew is very eager to sign you as their spokeswoman, because nothing says eXtreme like Joyce DeWitt. Picture this: Do the DeWitt. T-shirts and bumper stickers, babe. That’s gold. Nike wants in on the action, too. They got Spike Jonze signed on to direct your commercial: Just DeWitt. Cha-ching! Are your eyes doing dollar signs? Mine $ure are.

Gotta run, hon. Sushi and a steam with Estelle Getty this afternoon. Okay, get back to me quick; Madison Avenue is fickle. Happy Birthday, Joyce. To the eXtreme!

Best wishes,

Josh Abraham