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The Journal of Literary Satire | Hastily Written & Slopilly Edited
Thursday, April 24, 2003

I Could Simonize My Car

Things That Take Equal or Less Time Than My Mother’s Hair Appointment (6 Hours)

  1. Kenya’s Robert Cheruiyot can run the Boston Marathon two and a half times. [2003 championship time: 2 hours, 10 minutes, 11 seconds.]
  2. The S.S. Minnow can take two tours, providing it doesn’t wash ashore any desert isles. [Tour: Three hours.]
  3. My father can get his hair cut 13 times. [Haircut: 27 minutes.]
  4. The movie theater where they show strange movies in my neighborhood could screen Andrei Tarkofsky’s Solyaris twice. [Running time: 165 minutes.]
  5. I can cook 360 consecutive bowls of minute rice or one bowl of minute rice, one grain at a time. [Cooking time: 60 seconds, you idiot.]
  6. I can get drunk, sober up, and then get drunk all over again. [5 hours, 57 minutes, 32 seconds.]
  7. The characters of “Three’s Company” can have 12 wacky, episodic misadventures based on some sort of miscommunication with hysterical, sexually-charged consequences. [Each episode: 30 minutes, including commercial breaks.]
  8. I can learn how to play the guitar by reading a book called Learn How To Play The Guitar in 6 Hours. [5 hours, 46 minutes, 24 seconds; I’m a quick reader and have a pretty good ear.]
  9. At the quickest I’ve ever done it, I can drive from Binghamton, New York, to Rockland an exit short of three times. [Record: 2 hours, 7 minutes (not counting a fast-food break).]
  10. At the quickest I’ve ever done it, I can have sex 722 times. [Record: 27 seconds (not counting a smoke).]

O.K., Some Things I Can Do in Less Time Than My Aforementioned 27-Second Concerto

  1. Turn off any song by 50 Cent.
  2. Consume an entire bottle of Mrs. Butterworth.
  3. Sort a snack-size bag of M&Ms by color.
  4. Get tossed out of Rite-Aid for inappropriately massaging the stuffed animals in aisle 5.
  5. Slip the leftovers of mom’s “tuna surprise” to the dog.
  6. Get my cousin Alfred to start a rant on why anyone with his name should be a butler and why he’s upset that he isn’t one.
  7. Name that tune in five notes.
  8. Line up my military figurines in alphabetical order by the first names that I gave them.
  9. Fill my mouth with 27 grapes.
  10. Get that pretty girl at the bar to slap me on both cheeks.