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Thursday, April 17, 2003

How To
Lo! Bread of Affliction: How to Flirt with a Guest at the Seder

(So Long as He or She Is Not Related to You,
by Blood Anyway)


We Will Pay for This in the Afterlife

Let’s hide the affikomen, if you know what I mean.

Let me fill your cup, if you get what I’m sayin’.

That bread sure looks unleavened, if you catch my drift.

What a big shank bone, if you’re thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’.

Darkness is my favorite plague, if you’re followin’ my train of thought.

I can part the Red Sea, if you can read between the lines.

I’m ready to let my people go, if ya down wit’ dat.

I like it flat, hard, and tasteless, if that makes any sense?

Mmmm! I love horseradish, if that turns you on. Does that turn you on?

I’ve got four questions, if you can stretch your imagination a little.

Ma nishtana, baby.

These [matzoh] balls are firm and tasty, if you are not thoroughly offended by this vulgar double entendre.

What can I buy for two zuzzim, if I haven’t lost you yet.

After this Seder ends, let’s finish off that bottle of Manischewitz and engage in sexual intercourse, if you lack the mental capacity to grasp the abstract notion of a cheap metaphor.