INT. A SILO SOMEWHERE IN IDAHO – DAY
It is 1982 and the potatoes are piled atop one another in difficult living conditions, even for potatoes. The Spuds family sits around waiting to scrub each other after a tough day avoiding deportation to the French Fry Death Camps.
PAPA SPUD, (2 months old, slightly greenish) sits across from his son, SPUDSIE CRINKLE CUT (1 month old, the cleanest skinned potato in the silo).
PAPA SPUD glares at SPUDSIE through one of his 15 burgeoning eyes.
Clean your eyes, they’re unsightly.
Maybe to you, Dad, but in some parts of this world, they’re scars of experience.
Don’t wisecrack to me, Spudsie. I made you and I’ll just as quick pare your ass to pieces.
PAPA SPUD slaps SPUDSIE, sending one of SPUDSIE’s newly grown eyes flying across the silo.
The world isn’t the same anymore, Dad! You can’t just strong arm-your way through everything. Why can’t you get that through that thick tuber of yours.
PAPA SPUD is green from too much sunlight and the solanine makes him bitter and toxic. It’s widely known he’s a bad green potato. He shoves SPUDSIE into a pile of alfalfa.
Forget you, Dad!
(slaps SPUDSIE again)
No, forget you, son!
SPUDSIE rolls awkwardly out of the silo and disappears into the night.
Waxy son of a bitch, he won’t make it solo out there one day.
The red potato district of Dublin, OH. Filthy potatoes with enormous eyes and huge gouges cut out of their skins mill aimlessly about. Sirens can be heard.
PIMP (6 weeks old, a grizzled half-fried potato).
Listen spud, you ain’t performin’.
Shut up Spudsie! You don’t talk to your pimp like that.
I want to go home!
PIMP throws SPUDSIE down on the sidewalk and threateningly holds a masher.
INT. SILO - NIGHT
PAPA SPUD is lifted from the silo and thrown in a pile of green potatoes to be sold to Ore-Ida at discount wholesale prices.
MRS. SPUDSIE, (SPUDSIE’S mum) is penning a letter to SPUDSIE begging him to come home and take his rightful place as the head of the silo.
CUE MUSIC. (George Michael’s rare, better yet, never heard rendition of “Danny Boy”)
Next week’s episode of “Potato, Come Home” can be seen in Julienne-Vision only on the New WB!