Happy 64th birthday! To celebrate, I’m playing with my Magneto and Gandalf action figures! I’ve got original Magneto from X-Men, the new Magneto from X2, and Magneto with Super Magnet-Sticking Action™. It really sticks to everything metal! My football helmet, my belt buckle, the plate in my head, even my retainer! Also, I’ve got original Gandalf the Grey from Fellowship, Gandalf the White from Two Towers, and Gandalf with Special Lean Mean Fat-Reducing Grillin’ Action™! I’ve also got one toy that I think is a factory error or something, because it’s got your Magneto head on sexy Rebecca Romijn-Stamos’s naked blue body. Trippy. But still, it’s a whole party of little Sir Ian McToys!
You know, for a stinky old man, you’ve got a lot of little children’s playthings in your image. Creepy.
Anyway, what I’m really searching for to complete my collection is an action figure of you as fruity Frankenstein-director James Whale from Gods and Monsters. I can’t seem to find one anywhere. It’s super rare. Do you have one I can borrow?
Well, I’ve made little construction-paper birthday hats for all of my little McIans, and I even bought a Hostess Cupcake, which looks like huge to them, because of perspective. You see, when you’re only six inches tall, a normal-sized cupcake that can fit in a full-sized man’s hand looks like a gigantic novelty cake that can fit a stripper inside. I bet you’d like that, huh? Ha ha, you old dog! Anyway, I bet if all my little Magnetos and Gandalfs and Rebecca Romijn-Gandalfs were little real-live yous, they’d totally freak out, because there’s no way they could eat all that cake.
I really like Hostess Cupcakes, Sir Ian.
Happy birthday, ya old coot!