Sally Forth

Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives:

Fourth of July Fourthiness.

Independence is on the march, patriots.

& Recently . . .

Kurt Cobain's Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks by Angela Genusa

"B.L.T.": A Review by Will Layman

Ten Tiny Poems by Brian Beatty

Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project by David Ng

Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always by William K. Burnette

A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms by Aaron Belz

Polish Fact

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Shock and awe! Mission accomplished! What war?

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Thursday, May 22, 2003   |    Fiction

Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Not Dead (They Are Hiding)

by Nick Jezarian

“But why are we hiding, Rosencrantz?”

“Why, we’re hiding because we don’t want to be seen.”

“But if everyone thinks we’re dead, then there’s no need to hide.”

“Who said we’re dead?”

“Everyone knows Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. It’s common knowledge.”

“We’re not dead.”

“I know that.”

“So then everyone doesn’t think we’re dead. You don’t.”

“This is ridiculous Rosencrantz, we’ve been stuck in this closet for over 300 years. I’m tired of smelling moth balls.”

“Then stop sticking your head between their legs.”

“Rosencrantz, if we weren’t hiding, I’d tell everyone I saw that you were a complete dickweed.”

“Shhhhhhhhhhh Guildenstern, I think I hear someone coming.”

“That’s just my tell-tale heart. Heh.”

A few minutes pass.

“Guildenstern, what if we are dead?”

“We’re not dead, we’re hiding.”

“That’s what we think. Most everyone else thinks we’re dead. What if we’re mistaking hiding for being dead?”

“Why would we do that?”

“To pass the time.”


“OW! You stabbed me with a pencil.”

“I aimed for your eye but its too dark in here to see straight.”


“Who are we waiting for anyway? That Godot? He’s more unreliable than Germany, or even worse than a 1981 Diesel VW Rabbit with electrical problems.”

“Not Godot you idiot, he’s Beckett. And we’re hiding, not waiting.”

“Rosencrantz, I’m never playing hide and go seek with your family again.”

“Would you like to play a game while we hide?”


“Initials, then.”

“Fatty Arbuckle.”

“Alexander the Great.”

“Point. Alexander the Great, articles don’t play.”

“Gary Gnu. Doubles, back to you.”

“It’s a two man game, it’s always back to me. George Stephanopoulos.”

“Oh I like him. Susan Sarandon.”

“Suzanne Somers.”

“Oh, she’s terrible.”

“Soupy Sales.”


“Who is that? That doesn’t count. Point.”

“No, shhhh, I hear someone.”

“I hate waiting.”



Nick Jezarian is clearly a superbly built creation resulting from the union of man, woman, and crustacean. Nick's crustacean heritage contributes to his being mostly belligerent, constantly angry, yet always amused. Considering Nick's criminal spelling and grammar habits, the fact that he is part of the Y.P.R. brain trust doesn't say much about the site. Josh and Geoff have driven Nick's writing to new levels as he sends his Guff to the staff in an elaborate binary code that can only be deciphered by the light of pixie dust. Nick is Y.P.R.'s resident hip-hop expert, as he owns three CDs and once stabbed 50 Cent. Nick's favorite word is "word."