Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Not Dead (They Are Hiding)

“But why are we hiding, Rosencrantz?”

“Why, we’re hiding because we don’t want to be seen.”

“But if everyone thinks we’re dead, then there’s no need to hide.”

“Who said we’re dead?”

“Everyone knows Rosencrantz and Guildenstern are dead. It’s common knowledge.”

“We’re not dead.”

“I know that.”

“So then everyone doesn’t think we’re dead. You don’t.”

“This is ridiculous Rosencrantz, we’ve been stuck in this closet for over 300 years. I’m tired of smelling moth balls.”

“Then stop sticking your head between their legs.”

“Rosencrantz, if we weren’t hiding, I’d tell everyone I saw that you were a complete dickweed.”

“Shhhhhhhhhhh Guildenstern, I think I hear someone coming.”

“That’s just my tell-tale heart. Heh.”

A few minutes pass.

“Guildenstern, what if we are dead?”

“We’re not dead, we’re hiding.”

“That’s what we think. Most everyone else thinks we’re dead. What if we’re mistaking hiding for being dead?”

“Why would we do that?”

“To pass the time.”

“Point.”

“OW! You stabbed me with a pencil.”

“I aimed for your eye but its too dark in here to see straight.”

“Asshole.”

“Who are we waiting for anyway? That Godot? He’s more unreliable than Germany, or even worse than a 1981 Diesel VW Rabbit with electrical problems.”

“Not Godot you idiot, he’s Beckett. And we’re hiding, not waiting.”

“Rosencrantz, I’m never playing hide and go seek with your family again.”

“Would you like to play a game while we hide?”

“Always.”

“Initials, then.”

“Fatty Arbuckle.”

“Alexander the Great.”

“Point. Alexander the Great, articles don’t play.”

“Gary Gnu. Doubles, back to you.”

“It’s a two man game, it’s always back to me. George Stephanopoulos.”

“Oh I like him. Susan Sarandon.”

“Suzanne Somers.”

“Oh, she’s terrible.”

“Soupy Sales.”

“Shhhhhhhh.”

“Who is that? That doesn’t count. Point.”

“No, shhhh, I hear someone.”

“I hate waiting.”

“Hiding.”

“Hiding.”