Sally’s Guide to Cleansing Your Corporate Soul
I work for a soulless, multinational mega-corporation that specializes in hoodwinking its consumer base into purchasing an inferior product. This corporation has also caused many of its individual investors to lose most or all of their life savings over the last two plus years. “But Sally,” you may ask, “how do you lead a guilt-free, fulfilling life if the company that your work for is almost single-handedly responsible for the decimation of our domestic economy?” If you asked this, you have a point. I have developed a few surefire ways to rid myself of corporate guilt and put myself on the highway to happiness. If you follow these simple steps, you too can be blissfully immune to the suffering that you’ve wrought on close friends and family members after telling them to invest in your company.
SOBRIETY IS OVERRATED
Even the smallest of towns has one bar. I suggest that you go there at least 4 times a week. If you drink enough, you won’t even remember the day that came before, much less what happened at work. Another good idea is to keep a bottle in your desk at work. If you take a quick nip periodically throughout the day, I guarantee that those inter office memos that you keep getting will be a lot funnier. In fact, write one yourself and send it out. Remember, an effective employee is in constant communication with the other people in the office.
I suggest that you take at least two hours. Spend your two hours wisely. Catch a movie. Go shopping. Sit in the park and throw Skittles at the pigeons. The less time you spend in the office, the less time you’ll spend contributing to bilking unsuspecting consumers out of their hard earned money. In a company as large as yours, it’s virtually impossible for anyone to tell how long you’ve been away from your desk. As an added bonus, the less time you spend at work, the less you have to complain about. Remember, the squeaky wheel is always the first to be replaced. You don’t want to lose your job. You just want to forget all the evil.
USE HR TO YOUR ADVANTAGE
Multinational mega-corporations fear two things: lawsuits and bad press. Constantly keep your eyes open for opportunities in either area. In fact, those periodic sensitivity training workshops that you are forced to attend will likely provide insight into some opportunities to cash in on the Achilles’ heel of your company. Remember ladies, he’s not complimenting your outfit. He’s taking an opportunity to assert male dominance in the workplace. Take the opportunity to stop him from forcing his “penis culture” on you. Remember, emotional distress is just as painful as physical. Ask Jacoby or Meyers.
DO YOU YAHOO?
Your company will provide you with a computer. Use it to your advantage. There are numerous pornographic websites out there that are not only free of charge, but also gravity defying. These sites will not only consume the better part of your morning and afternoon, they will keep you entertained. And isn’t that really the point of going to work everyday? After all, what is work but a mild distraction in an otherwise steady diet of alcohol and pornography?
So, relax and have fun in the office. We’re all going to hell anyway. You might as well enjoy the ride.