An Excerpt from the Best Harlequin Romance Novel Ever

“Those are some big earrings you have,” I said but I wasn’t looking at her ears.

“Yes, they are.”

“Also, breasts.”

She slapped me, hard, and my face stung and I wasn’t sure what I’d done wrong. Her breasts were big.

“You are such a dick.”

Her shirt was tight, which made her breasts look even bigger. I rubbed my cheek to take some of the sting out. But all the rubbing in the world wouldn’t take the sting away from the inside.

“I am hurt,” I said, “but my cheek will heal. Your words have stung me down to my very soul. I am a kind and gentle man. I mean you no harm. Come here and give me a hug.”

She looked at me warily. After a moment’s hesitation, she took a cautious step forward and wrapped her arms around me. I could smell her hair. It was nice. Suddenly, she stepped back and slapped me again.

“You undid my bra, you jerk.”

I did. I couldn’t help myself. My arms were wrapped around her back. Call it instinct. Call it my natural tendency. If being who you are is being a jerk, then I guess I’m the biggest jerk in the world. I can’t help but be myself. This is who I am.

“This is who I am,” I said. “You must accept me for who I am. How can we have a candid interpersonal relationship if I cannot be myself around you? Now come over here.”

She eyed me warily again, but again took one cautious step forward. I took her hand.

“Please understand. I don’t do anything with overt sexuality. Everything that I do is out of genuine care for everyone in the world. How I behave here with you is how I behave with everyone.”

She slapped me again.

“You put my hand on your genitals.”

She was right. I had. This is how I get close to people. If people want to truly know me, they must touch my genitals. It is the only way.

“Darling, I must go. Will you be here when I get back?”

She turned her back to me but I knew she’d be there when I returned. The huge wooden doors in front of me swung open to reveal a large gathering of people. A man to my left screamed.

“LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.”