Sally Forth

Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives:

Fourth of July Fourthiness.

Independence is on the march, patriots.

& Recently . . .

Kurt Cobain's Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks by Angela Genusa

"B.L.T.": A Review by Will Layman

Ten Tiny Poems by Brian Beatty

Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project by David Ng

Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always by William K. Burnette

A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms by Aaron Belz

Polish Fact

Gross Domestic Product:
$373.2 billion (2002 est.)

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Friday, June 6, 2003   |    Fiction

An Excerpt from the Best Harlequin Romance Novel Ever

by David Silverman

“Those are some big earrings you have,” I said but I wasn’t looking at her ears.

“Yes, they are.”

“Also, breasts.”

She slapped me, hard, and my face stung and I wasn’t sure what I’d done wrong. Her breasts were big.

“You are such a dick.”

Her shirt was tight, which made her breasts look even bigger. I rubbed my cheek to take some of the sting out. But all the rubbing in the world wouldn’t take the sting away from the inside.

“I am hurt,” I said, “but my cheek will heal. Your words have stung me down to my very soul. I am a kind and gentle man. I mean you no harm. Come here and give me a hug.”

She looked at me warily. After a moment’s hesitation, she took a cautious step forward and wrapped her arms around me. I could smell her hair. It was nice. Suddenly, she stepped back and slapped me again.

“You undid my bra, you jerk.”

I did. I couldn’t help myself. My arms were wrapped around her back. Call it instinct. Call it my natural tendency. If being who you are is being a jerk, then I guess I’m the biggest jerk in the world. I can’t help but be myself. This is who I am.

“This is who I am,” I said. “You must accept me for who I am. How can we have a candid interpersonal relationship if I cannot be myself around you? Now come over here.”

She eyed me warily again, but again took one cautious step forward. I took her hand.

“Please understand. I don’t do anything with overt sexuality. Everything that I do is out of genuine care for everyone in the world. How I behave here with you is how I behave with everyone.”

She slapped me again.

“You put my hand on your genitals.”

She was right. I had. This is how I get close to people. If people want to truly know me, they must touch my genitals. It is the only way.

“Darling, I must go. Will you be here when I get back?”

She turned her back to me but I knew she’d be there when I returned. The huge wooden doors in front of me swung open to reveal a large gathering of people. A man to my left screamed.


If you see David Silverman, do not make any sudden moves. David Silverman is not dangerous, unless provoked. Do not taunt David Silverman. David Silverman wants to be your friend but only if your name begins with Q, X, or Z. That's where he has room in his address book.