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Tuesday, June 24, 2003   |    Letters (from)

Dear Spike Lee

by Nick Jezarian

40 Acres & A Mule Filmworks, Inc.
75 S. Elliot Pl.
Third Floor
Brooklyn, N.Y. 11217

Dear Spike,

I understand you’re in the process of suing TNN because they changed their network’s name to Spike TV. They said it was in an effort to lure men to watch. They said men like Spikes. They said they gotta have it. They said it has nothing to do with you, Spike. They said they were just trying to do the right thing. They’re a bunch of crackers! Go get ’em Spike!

A little known fact, Spikey-poo: I tried to sue Nickelodeon when I was in fifth grade, after they came up with that jingle abusing my name. You remember it, right? “Nick Nick Nick Nick Na Nick Nick Nick. Nickelodeonnnnn.” They had some balls, if you ask me. I didn’t get any royalties out of the deal. I’m jaded seeing this type of blatant name stealing and abuse is still going on but I’m utterly Spiked with adrenaline to see someone is fighting the power, fighting the powers that be. I also tried to sue Johnny Depp because he starred in that crap movie, Nick of Time, a few years back. It’s bad enough my phone rang off the hook with people looking to score tickets to the première, thinking I had something to do with it. The cherry on top of that poop sundae, though, was that the movie sucked. He dragged my name through the dirt for no reason. He’s a rotten “21 Jump Street” reject. Crybaby. You hear that, Johnny? One word: Crybaby.

Anyway, Spike, you seem to have a lot more clout to take these honkeys on, so I figured I’d give you some help. I’ve compiled a list of people and things to sue for using your name. Don’t worry, I don’t want any cut of the profits when you bamboozle these fools. Just send me an autographed collector’s edition DVD of Girl 6 and we’ll call it even. On the other hand, don’t hook me up and I’ll let the whole world know your real name is Shelton and then your case will get thrown out of court quicker than Earnest Goes to Camp went to video.

Here’s my list of Spike intruders:

  1. People who ask if you spiked the punch
  2. Spikes
  3. Cleats that get called spikes
  4. Spiked bats
  6. Spike Nashbar, the world’s number one volleyball supplier
  7. Golden Spike National Historical Spike
  8. Spike Jonze
  9. Spike Dudley, the wrestler
  10. Any dog named Spike, ever
  11. Your mom

I’m sure there are tons of other perpetrators but this is a pretty extensive list. This should keep you plenty busy for a while, Spike. I hope you win your battle for exclusivity of the name “Spike” all over the world. And if you don’t I’m going to name my next bowel movement “Spike.”

Nick Jezarian

Nick Jezarian is clearly a superbly built creation resulting from the union of man, woman, and crustacean. Nick's crustacean heritage contributes to his being mostly belligerent, constantly angry, yet always amused. Considering Nick's criminal spelling and grammar habits, the fact that he is part of the Y.P.R. brain trust doesn't say much about the site. Josh and Geoff have driven Nick's writing to new levels as he sends his Guff to the staff in an elaborate binary code that can only be deciphered by the light of pixie dust. Nick is Y.P.R.'s resident hip-hop expert, as he owns three CDs and once stabbed 50 Cent. Nick's favorite word is "word."