Sally Forth

Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives:

Fourth of July Fourthiness.

Independence is on the march, patriots.

& Recently . . .

Kurt Cobain's Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks by Angela Genusa

"B.L.T.": A Review by Will Layman

Ten Tiny Poems by Brian Beatty

Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project by David Ng

Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always by William K. Burnette

A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms by Aaron Belz

Polish Fact

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52 00 N, 20 00 E

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Los talentos de Andy Richter se pierden totalmente en "Quintuplets."
Andy Richter's talents are completely wasted on "Quintuplets."

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Wednesday, June 4, 2003   |    How To

How to Fix Your Canon Copier

by Brian Newell

It’s not an easy decision to come to. No one wants to put their Canon copier through such a traumatic event. But with the Canon copier population spiraling out of control and a shortage of loving homes for the little fellas, many of them end up in shelters or with the A.S.P.C.A. This is why, though it’s a difficult decision, it’s important that you get your Canon copier fixed. The question is: How?

Check Your Manual: In the back of your Canon copier manual, there is a listing of retail outlets. Each of these outlets has qualified professionals that will be in the position to fix your Canon copier. Call the nearest outlet and make an appointment. Some of these men and women will even come to you. Discuss this with them.

Prepare Your Canon Copier: Your Canon copier should not eat or drink the day before it is fixed. Resist the urge to feed your Canon copier anything in the 24-hour period before it is scheduled to be fixed, no matter the noises that it makes. This includes toner, paper (legal and letter), and labels.

Be Frank With Your Canon Copier: Speak openly with your Canon copier about the procedure. Do not be afraid to explain to the Canon copier that, despite everything, you still love it very much. It isn’t getting fixed because it is bad or being punished. This procedure is something that is important for Canon copiers to go through.

The fixing process is generally outpatient surgery. Usually, you can bring your Canon copier into the retail outlet in the morning and pick it up the very same day, good as new, barring any complications. Complications in the fixing process are rare but should not be totally unexpected. Sometimes, the retail outlet will want to keep your Canon copier overnight for observation as a precaution.

An initial sense of rejection from your Canon copier may be evident. Do not worry. It is only natural for your Canon copier to feel a sense of abandonment after its fixing. Try to soothe your Canon copier and allow it to overcome its initial reaction. With a little warmth and care, your Canon copier will be back to its loving self in no time, pumping out sharp, clear copies as always.

Make sure that your prevent your Canon copier from any contact with the affected area. You may hear some noises of discomfort, but these are normal. The procedure is an exhausting one for the Canon copier. Have something prepared for your Canon copier when you return home. It is likely your Canon copier will need toner, paper and some genuine T.L.C. Many people suggest buying something nice for your Canon copier after it is fixed, perhaps a new tray or some heavy stock paper. While this is not required, it may be nice to do something for your Canon copier following the procedure.

Brian Newell has a job that you wouldn't envy and drives a car that gets poor gas mileage. He'd buy something more economical but he's really attached to his car. Also, he doesn't want to lose his bumper sticker that says, "I Got This Car for My Wife—What a Bargain!" If you see him on the road in and around northern Virginia, feel free to honk.