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What Are We Doing for Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Finals?

“Is that like some kind of horse race or something? I don’t really follow sports.” Christopher H., 22, Greenwich Village, NY “I’m going to the game. I got a great set of seats from a guy in the street for…

A Day in the Life of Phil Pritchard, Guardian of the Stanley Cup

8:00 a.m. – Good god, where’s Stanley? 8:01 a.m. – Oh, there he is. 8:05 a.m. – I can’t believe they make me wear the stupid white cotton gloves every time I touch the damn thing. 8:07 a.m. – I…

A Letter from “Toothless” Jim O’Brien, the Oldest Living Stanley Cup Winner

Hello all, My name is Jim O’Brien. I played goal for the 1922 Toronto St. Patricks. In that year, we defeated the Vancouver Millionaires by a count of 3 games to 2 to capture Lord Stanley’s Cup. Of course, it…

“Rectum? I Damn Near Killed ’Em!”

by David Abraham

Chapter Titles from Living with Your Colitis and Hemorrhoids (and Related Disorders) by Theodore Berkland, A.M., Leslie Sandlow, M.D., and Richard Shaprio, M.D. © 1975, St. Martin’s Press [Discovered for Sale at a Thrift Shop in St. Louis, Missouri,…

You’re Firing Me?

by Ray Stillman

Did you find the bottle of Stoli in my bottom-right desk drawer? Behind the hanging file folders? Because I would have locked it, but I lost the key. Do the words “gross incompetence” mean anything at all to you people?…

Polish Fact

Polish Language
Total speakers: 50 million
Genetic classification: Indo-European -> Balto-Slavic -> Slavic -> West Slavic -> Lechitic -> Polish
Regulated by: The Polish Language Council

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Literary Monkeyshine
Tuesday, June 10, 2003   |    Fiction

Puck Everlasting

What Are We Doing with Our Pucks?

Candystriping and distributing to youngsters for Hallowe’en

Weighing down my pockets to ensure quick sinkage before leaping off bridge.

Wonderful new coaster for my tazo chai tea, so as not to leave rings on my foosball table.

Shoving it someplace you’d rather not hear and we’d rather not say, but you may imagine with an inappropriate reference to the sun, and anatomical locales which do not receive much sunlight.

Signing a sloppy, barely legible “Gretzky” on it with a Sharpie, splattering it with blood for effect, and listing it on eBay.

Secretly placing them between the hamburger buns of unsuspecting diner patrons.

Wrapping them exquisitely and giving them to a loved one. Remember, nothing says “I love you” like a black piece of hard rubber battered around a hockey rink by toothless Canadians.

Putting them in our shoes to give ourselves that extra inch of height.

Putting them in our pants to give ourselves that extra inch of girth, baby.

Puck this!