Friday, July 4, 2003
Fourth of July Fourthiness

May 23, 1976
Jeremy Feldstein
Mrs. Russo
8th Grade Social Studies

What the Bicentennial Means to Me

The bicentennial means so much to me. As citizens of one of the world’s superpowers and the best country on Earth, we have a great deal to be thankful for on this, the 200th anniversary of this country’s birth. We must not forget how our forefathers sacrificed while fighting the bucktoothed British soldiers. Their diets were lean in those days, sometimes relying on raw squirrel meat and whiskey to get them through the harsh winter months.

Here are (in no particular order) what the bicentennial means to me:

  1. Mayor Randolph setting his hair on fire when kicking off the annual 4th of July fireworks display (again)
  2. My father getting drunk and telling my mother that if he’s such a bad provider and a drunk that she should have married that jerk Tom Gibbons
  3. An opportunity to turn a quick buck with my “I Love the Bicentenial [sic]” buttons
  4. The KISS concert comes to town, and I heard from my cousin Ron that they’re going to do a bitchin’ cover of that stupid Neil Diamond song “They’re Coming to America.”

Mostly, the bicentennial means to me that America is 200 years old, which is older than everything else in America, except maybe some really big trees. It is good that America is so old because that means it will probably be here for at least another 200 years, which is after I’ll probably be dead and then I won’t care what happens to America.

America rules!

The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming! The British are coming! The French are climaxing! The Dutch are moaning! The Irish are writhing in ecstacy! The Polish are biting and sweating and shouting! The Greeks are being satisfied! The Australians are getting plowed! The Germans are cooking...
Four Fours Four Things I Wish I Were Hung Drunk An original cast member of Porky's A strip-club D.J. Four Things Gilbert Gottfried Is Not (Now) Dead Funny Handsome Wide-eyed Four Best Performances by Quadrupeds in Films Gopher, Caddyshack Puxatawny Phil,...
Fourth of July Fourthiness
Fourth of July Fourthiness In which Y.P.R. proudly presents some barbecued hot dogs and fireworks that declare our independence from those dirty Brits.

Find recent content on the main index or look in the archives to find all content.


RSD | RSS I | RSS II | Atøm | Spanish

Support Submit
From the Y.P.aRchives
Fun, Fickle Fiction (for Free!)
Fact, Opinion, Essay, & Review
Spectacular Features, Calendrical Happenings, Media Gadflies
Poetry & Lyric
Advice, How To, & Self-Help
Semi-Frequent Columns
Letter from the Editors
Disquieting Modern Trends
Interviews with Interviewers
One-Question Interviews
The Book Club
Media Gadflies
Calendrical Happenings
Correspondence (Letters To and Letters From) Letters from Y.P.R. Letters to Y.P.R. Birthday Cards to Celebrities Pop Stars in Hotel Rooms Shreek of the Week of the Day Polish Facts: An Antidote to the Polish Joke The Y.P.aRt Gallery Illustrious Illustration Photography Photomontage Graphic Design Logo Gallery What's Up with That? Fuit Salad Nick's Guff Vermont Girl The M_methicist Daily Garfield Digest New & Noteworthy Contributors' Notes Et Cetera, Et Cetera, Et Cetera The Y.P.aRchives

This journal is powered by Movable Typo 4.01.

Y.P.R. & Co.