An Intervention Discovered upon Peeling off the Label on This Bottle of Beer
- According to the Surgeon General, women should not drink alcoholic beverages during pregnancy because of the risk of birth defects.
- Some women should not drink alcoholic beverages because they simply cannot hold their liquor.
- You, Tara Cohen, have a couple of drinks and then dance on table tops and expose yourself in public. You think flashing the bartender might be cute/sexy, and maybe it was once, but your friends think it’s kind of sad. They are getting tired of your antics. Then you have a couple more drinks and you become extremely promiscuous, though your sense of taste and decency goes right out the window. You’ll go home with any skeezy guy that can carry you back to his place. Like that one guy, Skitch, with the tattoo on his neck! What were you thinking, Tara? And if you do not go home with any available slimeball, you keep drinking until you become a sloppy, crying mess. Your friends are frankly fed up with choosing who has to take care of you, bring you home, listen you bitch and moan about breaking up with Mark—that was almost two years ago! Get over it!—and then do the hair-holding thing while you puke your guts up into the toilet. And your roommate, Lauren, is so pissed at you after the other night when you a) puked the couch b) told her to go fuck herself, and c) not only that but—and this is gross, but you deserve it—she actually identified undigested chunks of Lucky Charms in your pile of sick on the couch … and you denied finishing her Lucky Charms that afternoon. Now she caught you in a lie and still took care of you. You are so undeserving of her as a best friend, Tara. You should really stop drinking and get your act together.
P.S. That dress is hideous. It makes your ass look huge, and let’s face it, you haven’t been to the gym in months.