Y.P.R.: Excerpted Transcript of the Worst Game Show Ever

Tuesday, July 22, 2003 | Fiction

Excerpted Transcript of the Worst Game Show Ever

by Bobby Rufferto

Host: Welcome back, folks! During our commercial break, our judges’ panel voted to award Barry 15 points for his answer, “Denmark.” Turns out that is a country in Europe after all. Who knew? O.K., now’s the time when Barry and Sally will go head to head in our lightning round!

Tina: My name is Tina, Bob.

Host: Please save all questions for the end of the round, Sally.

Tina: It’s Tina!

Host: O.K., here we go! Barry, what is the capital of my pants?

Barry: What? I’m sorry, I don’t … did you say “your pants”?

Host: Sorry, Barry—lightning round! Sally, who invented my pants?

Tina: What? I … my name is Tina. Tina!

Host: O.K., Sally—

Barry: Are all these questions going to be about your pants?

Host:. Barry, what year were my pants introduced?

Barry: What the hell are you talking about?!? Uh, I don’t know, 1982?

Host: No, sorry. Sally, how many miles wide are my pants?

Tina: Two hundred.

Host: No, incorrect. Barry, what poet wrote “My Pants, My Pants”?

Barry: Um … uh … Robert Frost?

Host: Incorrect. Sally, how many pants does it take to pants?

Tina: It says “Tina” on my nametag, and on the big screen on my podium. And, you called me “Tina” for the first two rounds. Did you have a stroke during the commercial break or something?

Barry: Who cares what name he calls you?!? Why is he asking about his pants?

Host: Barry, which president passed the My Pants Act?

Barry: Roosevelt.

Host: More specific?

Barry: Uh? Hmm. Uh. Teddy?

Host: No, sorry. Sally, which pants more? My pants or my pants?

Tina: Um. Your … pants?

Host: Please hold on, I need to consult with the little man who lives in my pants … No, sorry. Incorrect. Barry, if my pants are traveling at 30 miles per hour eastbound—

Barry: O.K., that’s it, I’m leaving.

[Barry leaves.]

Host: Well. Well, by default our winner turns out to be Sally!

Tina: Tina!

Host: Step right up to the winner’s circle, Sally … Jakarta was the capital of my pants, Leonardo da Vinci invented my pants, 1936 is the year my pants were introduced, 16.6 miles wide, Longfellow, Franklin Roosevelt, a horsefly, and Chicago. Sally, as our winner, you’ll be receiving a home version of my pants, a new Dell computer, three pairs of my pants, Rice-a-Roni, and… a trip for two to my pants! Plus, of course, you get to come back in the fall for our Tournament of My Pants! Everybody give a big hand for my pants. Thank you, and we’ll see you tomorrow on “My Pants of My Pants!” Good night, folks!

Bobby Rufferto once broke his jaw on a Jawbreaker. Although it hurt incredibly, he is one to appreciate irony. He has not sued the confectioners. Do you think he should? He's conflicted: on the one hand, it hurt like hell; on the other, he now has a flip-top head which allows him to save money by buying a cheap, generic toothbrush instead of the pricey Reach toothbrush. Also, as a result, he can now entertain party guests by fitting a whole Magic 8-Ball into his mouth and shaking his head for your fortune. While we're on the subject, he did not particularly enjoy the movie Jawbreaker, but he sure digs that Rose McGowen. Oooh, she's naughty. Mr. Rufferto lives in New York, works in New Jersey, and teaches tango lessons in Iowa.