— Listicles —

Four Fours

Four Things I Wish I Were

1. Hung
2. Drunk
3. An original cast member of Porky’s
4. A strip-club D.J.

Four Things Gilbert Gottfried Is Not (Now)

1. Dead
2. Funny
3. Handsome
4. Wide-eyed

Four Best Performances by Quadrupeds in Films

1. Gopher, Caddyshack
2. Puxatawny Phil, Groundhog Day
3. Toto, The Wizard of Oz
4. Juliette Lewis, Cape Fear

Four Things Our Forefathers Had on Their Minds While Declaring Independence

1. Sex


2. Tea


3. Cool wigs


4. How fat Ben Franklin got from indulgence in sex, tea, and wigs.