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— Sand teeth
— Think of rhyme to finish that “Swishy Inbred Monarch” poem
— Give John Adams a Melvin
— Go uptown with Jefferson to pick up some honeys
— Organize annual slave/overseer softball game
— Check in with Betsy re: flag
— Get gay-looking white wig adjusted
— Get key and kite back from Franklin
— Sleep somewhere; hang plaque declaring as such
— Shoot some redcoats
— Chop down that gnarled old cherry tree. Blame Franklin.
— See if those Indians fall for another treaty
— Skinny-dip in the Potomac
— Slip Martha the old Washington monument
A Junior-High School Student's Essay Found in This Old History Textbook
Mostly, the bicentennial means to me that America is 200 years old, which is older than everything else in America, except maybe some really big trees. 
The British Are Coming! The British Are Coming!
The British are coming! The French are climaxing! The Dutch are moaning! The Irish are writhing in ecstacy! The Polish are biting and sweating and shouting! The Greeks are being satisfied! The Australians are getting plowed! The Germans are cooking...
Four Fours
Four Things I Wish I Were Hung Drunk An original cast member of Porky's A strip-club D.J. Four Things Gilbert Gottfried Is Not (Now) Dead Funny Handsome Wide-eyed Four Best Performances by Quadrupeds in Films Gopher, Caddyshack Puxatawny Phil,...
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