Dear Mr. Diesel,
Happy 36th Birthday! Two weeks ago, I was shopping for some sneakers downtown and I saw you shopping for jeans and you picked up a pair of Diesel jeans and tried them on and the hot little sales girl with the nose ring was definitely hitting on you and then next thing I know, you’re making a scene and waving a pair of Diesel jeans around and screaming, “I’m Vin Diesel! I’m Vin Diesel! These are my jeans! They got my name on ’em!” and the sales girl freaked out and they called security and the media showed up and I don’t know how this story ended, but I never got my sneakers.
Dude, you’re, like, a big movie star. Can’t you afford to buy pants instead of trying to scam a free pair?
Happy Birthday, man.