Sally Forth

Hey, remember The Fourth of July, 2003? We don't, but found this in our archives:

Fourth of July Fourthiness.

Independence is on the march, patriots.

& Recently . . .

Kurt Cobain's Ghost with an Invitation to a Fourth of July Picnic and Fireworks by Angela Genusa

"B.L.T.": A Review by Will Layman

Ten Tiny Poems by Brian Beatty

Angry Words from a Gnome Who to This Day Continues to Think the Human Genome Project Was Actually The Human Gnome Project by David Ng

Key Party, N.Y.C., Circa Always by William K. Burnette

A Day on the Phone with Mythological Norse Firewarrior, Bringer of Storms by Aaron Belz

Polish Fact

Zloty Exchange Rate:

1 USD = 3.95 PLN
1 Euro = 4.67 PLN

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Sprechen Sie Deutsch?
Holen Sie mir Ihr feinstes Fleisch und Käse.
Bring me your finest meats and cheeses.

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Friday, July 11, 2003   |    Fiction

I Love the 80s!

Guy from “Ed”: Coke? I remember coke! I used to snort so much of it during the 80s! Coke was awesome. One time, I got sold a bag of chalk dust or something, and we all did it and got head rushes and nosebleeds and we were so pissed that we got ripped off, but you know what? In the end, it was a better high than real coke. Man, coke. Wow.

Kathy Griffin: Coke! Wow! Ha, ha, coke. Jeez. Coke. Yeah. You got any? I’m serious. Ha, ha, no, no, I’m kidding. It’s a joke. From my act. You don’t have any, do you?

Soleil Moon Frye: Yeah, for me, the 1980s were, I think, only about, like, two things: cabbage patch kids and uncut cocaine.

Kathy Griffin: I used to snort that stuff off my boyfriend’s thing. Did you think that was funny? It’s from my act.

Guy from “Ed”: Wait, wait, I got more on coke—

Aisha Tyler: Coke! Yeah! Coke rocked back then! I used to rub it all over my gums! Why am I famous again?

Bill Bellamy: Hey, man, does this look infected?

Weird Al: Okay, kids! Let’s compare stats! In the 80s, I used to spend about 800 bucks a week on coke! I used to eat it, snort it, lick it! Just fill my pockets with it and sprinkle it on the heads of children and tell them they could fly! Today, I’m spend upwards of 2500 bucks a week on the shit! I’ve got a really, really serious problem. I need to crank out some more crappy fake songs really quick, just to support this horrible habit. What do you guys think of “Footylicious”? Anything there? No? It’s like “Bootylicious,” but with feet. Get it? Feet? Aw.

Andrew ‘Dice’ Clay: Oh! Whoa! Hey! Uh! Whoa ho! How ‘bout that? What? 80s! Coke! Whoa ho ho! Yah hah! Eh. Little Miss Muffet? Oh!

Guy from “Ed”: Coke is it. Coke’s the Real Thing. Things Go Better with Coke. Yeah, coke was big in the 80s. None of you people knows who I am, right?

David Hasselhoff: I remember coke. We used haul about 3 tons of it across the border in that KITT car. The guy who plays Mr. Feeny used to hide in the trunk and snort whatever he could get his hands on. It was okay though. Look where it got me. I mean, Germans love me! I’m a Broadway sensation! And I owe it all to massive quantities of Bolivian marching powder! Turbo boost!

Guy from “Ed”: I’m famous, damn it! I’m funny! I used to be a member of the comedy troupe “The State!” No? You never saw “The State”? I was also Johnny Bluejeans on Comedy Central’s “Viva Variety.” Nobody? Aw, come on.

Lea Thompson: Remember whenI was in Back to the Future? Man, I was really something. Now, Pee Wee Herman won’t even return my phone calls, and he’s a child-porn enthusiast. I wish I had some coke right now.

Justine Bateman: Hey! Coke ruled! Also, you guys remember crack? Now that was good shit.

Guy from “Ed”: Hey, can we talk about peeling the stickers off your Rubik’s Cube now? I’ve got a ton of material on that. Seriously, one time I snorted up some coke and peeled all the stickers off my Rubik’s Cube. Know what? I love the 80s, man. I totally do.