I Sooooo Need an Intern
Sir, first I’d like to thank you for taking the time to meet with me. Now, as you can see, I have a presentation, very in-depth, that I’d like to take you through. No time for shenanigans? No problem, I’ll get right to the point: I need an intern.
Now, now, I know I’ve come to you before with half-baked ideas but I guarantee you that this time, I went full speed ahead. I’m fully baked. I’m barely-even-hold-my-head-up-without-feeling-like-it-weighs-23-pounds-type baked. So I’ve been thinking, an intern would be good. I’m asking you because I’d like you to sign this contract that states you are legally employing me and that you accept full responsibility for my actions should the hot intern I plan to hire be subjected to any inappropriate behavior by the likes of me. Nothing to worry about really, just sign there.
Why? Are you crazy, you senile old bat? I totally need an intern. I’ve created a list of duties that an intern could take on that would provide her the opportunity to hone valuable life skills. Mutually beneficial to me, symbiotic like those birds that eat the scraps out of a croc’s teeth, if you will, the intern doing my duties will free me up to do much more important stuff which I have yet to even fathom because I’m so busy doing the things I have to do to survive in this rat race you’re running. So the list of responsibilities would include:
- Cleaning the resin from my bong daily
- Baking said resin into brownies at the end of every week
- Matching my socks once and for all
- Screaming “DYN-O-MITE” like J.J. from “Good Times” every time I execute a successful one-timer with the ubiquitous Jeremy Roenick in NHL Hockey ‘94 for Sega Genesis
- Rubbing me down with Jell-o and liquid butter nightly (it loosens the muscles)
- Organizing my ALF trading card collection
- Waxing the Pinto to a nice high sheen
- Wearing a bikini
- Teaching me and my friend Ashton Kutcher how to read
- Create pencil drawings of my nude figure fondling her bosom
Now I know it seems like a pretty extensive list but I’m sure she could handle it and without a doubt be so much better off for it as a person. Now if you’ll just sign that there disclaimer, I can begin the search process A.S.A.P. What? I am too responsible. I’m so frickin’ responsible you might as well me Gallant, you Goofus. You’re seriously not going to empower me to hire an intern? Dad, you’re such a gremlin. No, worse than that, you’re Hitler. That’s what your name is from now on, Hitler Dad. You might as well grow a little stubby turd mustache, Hitler Dad. No, too late, I’ve had enough of your oppressive ways. I will no longer talk to you this evening. I will leave you be to sit and ponder my presentation and proposal, a very reasonable one I might add. And in turn, you will allow me an intern. How clever was that line?