Things I’ve Dropped into the Toilet at Work

my co-worker’s Zagat’s guide
my wristwatch, while trying to retrieve my coworker’s Zagat’s guide.
my pants, while trying to retrieve my wristwatch
a bagel and cream cheese
surgical tubing, 1/8” in diameter
three pogs
my arrowhead collection
my dignity
my parole officer’s wallet (sans identification)
five pounds of uncut Colombian
my copy of Heavy D and the Boyz début CD
chapters six and nine of my manuscript
the incredible edible egg
pamphlet: “Things Not to Drop in the Office Toilet”
John Stamos’s career
ham sandwich (no mayo)
my Uncle Buck commemorative medallion
Hamburger Helper
Lucky, the Lucky Charms Leprechaun (not dropped; chased)

Terrible Euphemisms for “Making Poo”

I’m going to heat up some toaster strudel.
I’m going to expel from my anal cavity waste products created during the digestion of nutrients I’ve consumed.
I must drop food rations on a poor nation.
Uh oh, breaking newsflash…
I must set these timber logs atop the lake, where they will be shipped to the timber mill.
Oooh, there goes the five-fifteen to Des Moines!
I need to eat something, except totally in reverse.
I have to visit the Museum of Natural History.
I need to watch some reality television.
I’m presenting my bill to a joint session of Congress.
I must submit my pitch to a Hollywood exec.
I need to chase the Chuck Wagon into the kitchen cabinets.
I’m going into the recording studio with Justin Timberlake.
I’m going to the bathroom to take a shit.

Places Other Than the Bathroom Where I’ve “Taken the 5:15 to Des Moines”

White House Lawn (during Carter administration)
Main Street Public Library, young adult section
Harvey Korman’s living room
lobby, Philadelphia Hilton
F train
Shuffleboard court Number 3 in West Palm Beach
my boss’s keyboard
on the chest of a $2,000-per-day Ukranian transexual hooker named “Buttercup”
online at www.takeacraponline.org
66th St. Tower Records, New Age section
on the 18th hole of the golf course of a country club that would not let me in because I’m Jewish, and also because I do things like crap on golf courses
on stage during Mrs. Rosengarten’s first-grade class production of “Seasons”
my trousers