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A Reason to Party

Possible Names for My Rock Band

Dear Christina Aguilera by Jackie Alameda

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August 21, 2003

A Reason to Party

-----Original Message-----

From: Your Friends At Evite [mailto:info@newsletter.evite.com]
Sent: Thursday, August 21, 2003 8:26 PM
To: Pot Roast, Yankee
Subject: August Newsletter Correction

Dear Evite Newsletter Subscriber,

Yesterday we mailed a newsletter to our subscribers with incorrect dates for three important Holidays. Please accept our sincerest apologies for these errors and note the following corrections:

Labor Day, September 1st
Rosh Hashanah, September 27th
Yom Kippur, October 6th

In addition, we also wish to apologize for having listed Yom Kippur as one of our "Reasons To Party". We understand and respect that Yom Kippur is a Day of Atonement, a day to be taken seriously to reflect and fast, and as such, one of the most important Jewish Holidays in the year.

Again we deeply apologize for the error and thank you for allowing us to make this correction.

Very Best,
The Evite Team

August 19, 2003

Possible Names for My Rock Band

Goes to Bollywood
Johnny Clash
Men without Work
Retro Johnny and the Kitschy References
Kick Ass, Falco
The Mama's Boys
Wheezin' Jesus and the Asthmatics
Holy Inhaler: a Tribute to Wheezin' Jesus and the Asthmatics
Carol Burnett and the Vicki Lawrences
Warning: Contains Glüten
Diamonds in the Muff.
"Marvelous" Marvin Hagler's All-Star Band
Lil' Obi-Wan
Eggplant Rollitini
The Something Somethings (feat. Someone Else)
Keri Russell's Phantastic Phunkadelic Experience
Arrogant Bastards
Three Guys with No Musical Talent but the Right Look Who Are Destined to Make It Big
Shrinky Dink and the Peeled Off Rubik's Cube Stickers
Hey, That's My Lite Brite!
Angry Thorax
Ponzu Sauce
Ponzi Scheme
Thorassic Park
Bitchin' Summer
Sean John and the P-Diddy Puff Daddys.
Beuetlgeuse, Beuetlgeuse, Beuetlgeuse
24/7 on MTV's TRL
Sierra Misty
The Paw Print on Eve's Left Tit
The Harvard Wallbangers
The Wandering Jujubes
Habeus Corpus and the Ipso Factos
Pronoun and the Verbing Nouns
Aimee Mann's Earth Band
The Jimi Schmendrix Experience
Jimmy Eat Soy-Milk Pudding
Fuck the Cows
The Band That Will Never Produce a Hit Single Because They Are Plagued by Crippling Self-Doubt
Florida Evans Jazz Quartet

Dear Christina Aguilera

Dear Ms. Aguilera,

I used to believe that you were just another irritating pop star, but I recently read a bit of gossip about you placing Kelly Osbourne in a headlock, and I freely admit that I was wrong. You clearly understand that violence is definitely the answer; my only concern is that the encounter did not end with a proper 'bitch-slapping' or a knee sharply applied to the solar plexus. Ms. Osbourne, no doubt spurred on by her parents, may see the need to retaliate. It would have been best to leave her bleeding and dazed on the floor, suddenly all-too-aware of the devastating (yet adorable) power of your ex-Mouseketeer uppercut.

You are now part of the wonderful tradition of celebrity violence, practiced by such heroes as Ingmar Bergman, Norman Mailer, and Gary Coleman, as well as dozens more of the most irritated, brilliant artists of all time. Please keep in mind, however, that there are still limits: while punching someone for taking your picture is completely acceptable, murdering your spouse or rival is most certainly not. It distresses me greatly to see that some of your peers have forgotten this, apparently unaware of the horrific catastrophe they invite upon an unsuspecting world.

My greatest fear has always been that one day, one of you will start a celebrity riot. The modern gods and goddesses will leave their homes and take to the streets in a terrible conflict that will level the City of Angels. The stars will direct their entourages like grand generals; hairdressers and bodyguards and drivers shrieking and yowling as they dive into the fray. "No way in hell am I going out there, Captain," the cops will say, as they huddle in their barricaded stations and wait for the emergency generators to go on. "You expect me to arrest James fucking Cameron?" It will be young against old, musician against actor... TV against film! And after the Spielberg Squadron pulls back to Sunset, and the enemy's triumph seems inevitable, it is then that the trumpets shall sound and the forces of George Lucas shall descend into this orgy of destruction... but will he be too late? And still, amidst the totaled luxury cars and burning wardrobes, above the gaffers and the grips and the back-up dancers and the personal assistants, the celebrities will continue to clash in an epic struggle, the likes of which have not been seen since the Olympian gods waged war outside the walls of Troy.

I would suggest choosing whatever side Russell Crowe winds up on; the smart money says that when the war is over, he'll be standing victorious atop a mountain of corpses, like an Edgar Rice Burroughs hero. That motherfucker is insane.

Jackie Alameda

[Enclosure: 8" x 10" glossy of you (in your "cute" phase)]