Dear Mr. Norton,
Happy 34th Birthday!
So, what’s the deal with your parents? Were they hardcore “Honeymooners” fans? Or was it just bad luck? Sure, now everybody recognizes your name, but before you were famous I’ll bet you had plenty of frustrating phone calls, where the jerk on the other end thinks you’re making up a name, right? What a pain in the ass, just calling for a pizza. Or when the 911 operator hangs up on you five times before sending the fire department to extinguish your jukebox fire, and then the insurance company won’t listen to you try to put in a claim for a charred Wurlitzer. I know what that’s like. I know, man, I know.